So, I've been listening to a song by Paul Alan, "To Bring You Back," and I am disturbed and broken by the fact that it describes me perfectly . . . sans chorus.
"Are you thirsty, standing in the rain?
Not sure where you are or how you lost your way
Are you drowning
Some bar outside of town?
Searching for something given not found
A crowd of people totally alone
At the front door Worlds away from home . . .
Are you tired of chasing the wind?
Under water, do you aspire to breathe again?
Are you dying?
Is that the best that you can do?
Cause you can't find your place in a world that wasn't meant for you."
Yeah, that's me . . . well, all except for the "bar outside of town." I find that I am lost more and more each day. I keep waiting to see Him on the horizon, come to rescue me, and with each passing day I lost hope that will ever happen. I am trying everything to rekindle the love, rediscover the hope, build up the faith, and everything seems to have the complete opposite affect.
Ready for something ugly?? I have something to confess . . . I find that I am beginning to view God as some sadistic father or lover, trying to disguise abuse as "loving discipline" - something that will make us stronger and is for our "own good." I have found that the very things that should be endearing me to Him and drawing me closer to His heart, are in-fact, embittering me . . . . and it scares me. The more I search for God, the more I find He is absolutely nowhere to be found. I have never been more afraid of God in all my life . . . nor, I am afraid and ashamed to admit, have I ever loved Him so little . . .
I am afraid. I have begun to wonder if this is what it's like when God hardens a heart. Is that what's happening to me?? I don't want to!! I want to love Him, but for all I do and all I try my heart is getting harder and emptier with each beat. Perhaps I just continue to jack things up, and God is just letting me go with it. I am trying with ALL THAT I AM to cling to Him, but He is slipping away . . . I can't seem to connect with anyone anymore. I feel 100%, completely alone, and absolutely every way . . . .
My friend sent me the lyrics to another song that just solidified and completely describes my life, my heart, my soul . . .
"Can't See (Useless)" by Oingo Boingo
We were both cast forth from the same pale hand And we both moved freely in the shadowlands And we both were sculpted by the same cold wind And we both had armor that was made of tin
And I tried to find you, but it's useless And I tried to speak, but it was useless
And I felt so bad and I didn't know why
And it didn't get better as time went by I was there for you, but you turned away And I tried to find you, but you turned away
And I tried to find you, but it's useless And I tried to speak, but was useless And I tried to find you, but it's useless
And you're so close, but I can't see you And you're right there, but I can't see you And I feel so dumb and I didn't know what to do You were right there but I can't see you
And I realize that it's useless
And I want to fight, but it's useless
And I know you're there, but it's useless
And you're everywhere, but it's useless
And I tried to say it, but my tongue got tied
And I tried to say it, but I was numb inside
And I can't see you anymore
And my peace of mind has gone through the door
And I realize that it's useless
And I thought I was right, but it was useless And I know you're there, but it's useless And you're everywhere, but it's useless
And I can't see now in front of my nose
And I know you're there, and I know you're close And you're fading away - now you disappear And I try to focus, but I can't see clear
And I don't know why I feel this way
And I can't control myself anyway
And I don't know why I feel this way
And I can't control myself anyway
And I feel so bad, but it's useless
And I feel so bad, but it's useless
And I feel so bad, but it's useless
And I can't see... now in front of my face.
When, Oh Lord, will You come and rescue me?! I do my best to do Your will, all for fear that if I don't that will be it - I will have completely succeeded in completely destroying my life. I am being swallowed whole by the darkness that surrounds me, as it digests me slowly and completely . . . I am done, God. I am at the end. I am doing my best to cling to what You have taught me, but I feel my mind slipping and with it everything I have ever been sure about, everything I have ever known of You . . . oblivion is overcoming me, and I'm not sure I mind anymore.
If something doesn't change soon, I'm afraid I'm going to have to change the name of my blog to "Ramblings of Insanity."
Sorry to disturb you . . .
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Oh, my sweet friend. I am praying for you! I'll give you the lyrics to another song:
Psalm 13
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.
Shane & Shane do a beautiful version of this psalm if you want to really listen to it. You're not alone. Even David - a man after God's own heart - stood where you're standing.
You are not disturbing us!
And I like your writing. I sometimes feel you are in my head when you're writing these things.
Andrea, there are times in my life when I can't see God anywhere. I desperately looking for him, but he's no where to be found.
But he's there, always there. He never leaves our side.
I am just not choosing to see him or Satan has clouded my vision so much, I can't see anything good.
I will pray for you sister.
This may sound callous, but stop trying so hard. Sometimes, in our desperation, we miss Him. He is always there, but many times we are waiting for a big epiphany, a huge miracle, something that screams,"I'm HERE!!" And He is not like that at all. He is subtle. But He IS everywhere. So stop trying so hard.
When you tracked me down three years ago, I was going through a spritual drought of my own, and possibly the end of my marriage. One of the things that saved me was your neverending faith and light. And so I borrowed your light for a bit. I held on and I eventually found my own again. There's nothing wrong with that. He gives us people in our lives to help us through. So if you have to borrow someone else's light of Christ for a bit, go for it. He loves all of us, and sometimes when we quit looking so hard, we see Him and His love for us is evident.
Let me share where I see Him. I see Him in my children, I see Him in my friends, I see Him in nature, I see Him in kind strangers. Your heart is not hard, just searching. Searching is good. You'll find what you are looking for, I just know it.
If you ever want to chat, I'm here for ya! I love ya tons and think of you often. May God bless you during this journey.
Post a Comment