Quite the battle

Wow, it's been awhile, hasn't it??

I've really been wrestling with some stuff lately, and I'm not quite sure how to even verbalize it. At first glance, I'd like to call it depression, but I think that's just too simple . . . I think it goes deeper than that. I think I'm at this place where I want to know - I mean really know - that I am a part, an integral, important part of something bigger than me. Oh, I know it in my brain, but the reasoning side of me tells me it's all just ego, just smoke and mirrors. I'm just another common person wishing for an uncommon life. Is this true?? I don't know for sure. I think God is up to something. Perhaps He bringeth me low to teach me yet another important principal of the Christian life. This happens a lot for me . . . . and generally He seems to be teaching me the same things over and over again. You'd think I would learn. UGH!!

Which brings me to my next point - or struggle, if you will. Why is this all so darned difficult!!! I mean, it's simple - follow Christ, and all else falls into place. But while that sounds so easy, in practice it proves to be a formidable . . . dare I say "foe"? That's truely what it feels like sometimes. A foe. Something working with all its might against me in every possible way, to bring me down and remind me in every way that I cannot possibly ever attain this Christian way of life. (Another good lesson - boy, they just keep stacking up, don't they?) Foe, indeed. Yet, I have the ultimate Victor at my side; in fact, within me! So, why can't I seem to tap into this fathomless, bottomless power? What is wrong with me?

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?" I find myself screaming to the heavens. No reply. Actually, I'm pretty sure He's replying, I'm just not listening.

And so the lesson drags on, and I find myself longing ever-more for heaven. Oh, don't worry, there is no death wish here . . . . simply a woman truly finding the depth of emotion found in Paul's sentiment in Philippians 1:21 - "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Each day I live for Christ, praying that He will show up in some way and renew my passion, renew my strength, renew my purpose, renew my life.