Darkness

OK, so it's time I get this out . . . I have been mulling it over, chewing on it, processing through and all that junk for far too long . . . I need to "talk it through" to really process it, I think.

So, I'm in this place, this darkness, that I cannot even describe. Nothing, NOTHING that was a comfort to me before does ANYTHING for me now . . . and I feel lost. Disjointed. Confused. Reading the Word is like chewing on leather, and prayer just seems to just dissipate like mist. Where does that leave me?? Whenever I have had trouble in the past, I simply clung to God and He got me through. So, what happens when He is nowhere to be found - or so it seems? I feel like I'm just stumbling around in the darkness, like I'm drowning in the abyss of life. And I have been fighting it - fighting it like CRAZY!!! When I look back in my journal, I discover that this darkness has been coming down on me for WELL over a year now . . . but I have fought and fought and fought.

Well, a few months ago, I tried a different tactic - I just gave up. I didn't have the energy to fight anymore, and it seemed like God was removing anything and everything that was any comfort to me at all. One-by-one, piece-by-piece, God was pealing back the layers, to leave me not only lost and alone, but also naked and raw. So I shook my fist at God and said (I couldn't even yell anymore - the passion was completely GONE), "Fine. You know where I am God. You know how You made me, how I tick, and You know how to talk to me . . . so, if you ever want, I'm here." And I walked away. I was done. Empty.

Yet . . . I was faced with a problem . . . I have tasted of the world and all it has to offer, and it holds no appeal to me. I still desire the things of God - to do things God's way. The fruits of the world are empty, shallow, bitter. I want nothing of them. Yet the fruits of God seemed to have been ripped away from me . . . and I am just stuck. Starving and alone. I continued going through the motions, because I didn't know what else to do. The world was of no comfort, and the Church and every discipline I've ever learned came up empty . . . .

Well, I've been reading "The Dark Night of the Soul," by Saint John of the Cross . . . WHEW! What a read!! I have discovered that, well, first of all, can I just say that church people, including me, LOVE to throw this term around a lot, but now that I know what it is I don't think I'll do that any more - the dark night is no trifling thing, it is not just a rough patch, a tough time - it is SO MUCH DEEPER, so much more complex than that . . . I can't even say that is where I am right now - that is how thick and rich and deep this concept is. But there are some things in the book that have hit me and hit me HARD. He talks about God stripping us of all things, and how we feel lost, etc . . . but here is the thing, John's response to all of this was completely and TOTALLY opposite of mine. (Figures!) In this darkness, John pursued God even more relentlessly, more passionately, loving Him more than He has even been loved. He wrote love poems to God, and refused to be ignored. He pursued and wooed God!!

Then, I go to a conference and hear a message about Mother Teresa's life. Now, I have read and studied her life, and knew most of the details, but hadn't thought upon them in a while . . . so, imagine my . . . hmmm, shall I say "shock"? when I was reminded that she suffered for the majority of her life (at least in the end) a feeling of separation from God. Her response?? Yep!! She pursued Him, and loved Him more than He had ever been loved . . . "OK, God, it's starting to sink in."

Then I start seeing it everywhere . . . the embrace of darkness. For example: a caterpillar must EMBRACE the darkness in order to become a butterfly. And so . . . I have chosen to embrace this darkness, to be THANKFUL for it. To worship God even when I can't feel or understand His response. I have chosen to woo Him, to pursue and desire Him, just as I desire to be wooed, pursued, desired and loved. Writing Him love letters and poems. Singing to Him love songs, and dancing for Him. To think about Him when I go to sleep, to wonder what He is doing or how He feels. To obsess over Him, just as I would a lover. Just as I desire to be obsessed over.

This is my choice. I do not know if I will emerge from this a butterfly. I don't even know if I'll emerge from this at all, but that doesn't change my choice to get to know every little detail about Him, and to pursue Him until I breathe my very last breath.