I have a confession . . . I am desperately, intensely, and completely terrified of one thing - that my children would be kidnapped. I'm not talking about a normal concern, leading to logical safe-guards, I'm talking illogical, repressive, anxiety-causing, debilitating fear. I often tell God that is the "one thing" I couldn't handle . . . of course, He has a way of talking me "down," and I somehow go on with my life for a while until the fear rears its ugly head again, and the battle wages on.
Ultimately, the fear comes from my not being able to be there for them, to comfort them, and help them . . . I am simply held captive to this irrational fear!! Well, I'm tired of it (have been for a while, really), and with Regann getting ready to start first grade, something needed to be done.
So, God and I had a chat about it - again - this morning. He asked me if I trusted Him with Regann (now, you need to know that I have fought an irrational fear of losing Regann from the moment she was born - this fear does not seem to have extended to Nolan, I don't know why, it's not like I love him any less. It got to the point where I had to lay Regann on the "altar" every night, as I was putting her in her crib . . . well, apparently this "alter" now has a playground, a lunchroom, and a lot more freedom than I'm ready to deal with.) So, God asks me if I trust Him, to which I reply, "Of course, God . . . but (ah, the treacherous "but") but what if you would choose to hand her over to this sort of suffering . . . what if, what if, what if." Now, I'm simply recognizing God's sovereignty here - I am not in any way suggesting that God likes it, or would truly choose for this sort of thing to happen. But I can also see that God is sovereign in all things . . . UGH!! It's a weighty issue for which we have no time right now. :)
Now, I am reading in Isaiah 53, which talks about the crucifixion of Christ, and how He was crushed for us (check it out, if you have a minute - http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=isaiah%2053&version=31) . . . and this is where God took me:
God allowed His Son to be taken from Him, tortured and killed, all while He couldn't be there to comfort Him. Oh, how the Father's heart must have just ached - almost exploded - to hand Christ - His Son, His Baby, His Boy - over to that! To not be able to hold Him, and help Him in His time of greatest suffering!!! And I cannot imagine how Jesus must have felt - the one constant in His life, His Father, gone - driven away be the very sin that Jesus had come to earth to take-on and ultimately conquer . . . . I can only imagine that He just wanted His Daddy, like any child would. It brakes my heart to see the crucifixion from this perspective. To see the sacrifice from a new place, a place where I recognize the Father's agony as much (if not more, as a parent) as the Son's. Oh what a sacrifice!! Truly like none I could ever imagine.
Ultimately, I felt God saying to me, "Andrea, I already went through all of that, so you don't have to. Yet, who better to stand by a parent going through such tragedy than One who has been there too."
We truly do have a God who understands our every need, our every heart-ache, our every pain. Praise Him! Praise His holy Name!!!
And thank You, Jesus . . . thank you, Father . . . thank You, thank You, thank You.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Some Encouraging Words
From C.S. Lewis:
"But if you are a poor creature - poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels - saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual perversion - nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends - do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) He will fling it on the scrapheap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all - not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school. (Some of the last will be first and some of the first will be last.)"
May you find this thought as encouraging as I do!!
God bless you today, as you do your best to maneuver through this thing called life.
Andrea
"But if you are a poor creature - poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels - saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual perversion - nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends - do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) He will fling it on the scrapheap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all - not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school. (Some of the last will be first and some of the first will be last.)"
May you find this thought as encouraging as I do!!
God bless you today, as you do your best to maneuver through this thing called life.
Andrea
Thursday, July 26, 2007
A Bit of Humility
Well, God has been moving, and I have been so blessed!!
Last night I heard a message at a women's summer Bible study at my church that hit me right where I needed it. Debbie, the teacher, essentially said "Are you so focused on the kingdom that you've completely forgotten the King?" BINGO!! (I wanted to stand up and scream that at the top of my lungs, but I really wasn't sure how that would go over.) I have been so focused on the kingdom, and what I'm doing, what God is doing for me, me, me, that I have completely forgotten to just focus on God. Enjoy God. Be with Him, for no other reason than just to hang out. The simplest, most basic thing, and I had turned away from it. Forgotten it. I wish I could say it was the first time,but alas, that would be a lie. I can, however, pray it is the last (God willing).
So today I have been thinking about my attitudes toward God this summer, and my thoughts about myself. I have really felt . . . almost self-destructive, self-depricating - and that is not a healthy place to be. I can also recognize in my life an arrogance that I believe goes back to my theater training, and trying to act like I was the best so as to get the best part. I just hate it! I hate pride!! I hate arrogance!! Especially when I can recognize them in my own life.
Then it happened. God started to move, and we began to converse. I'm sure, if you have been following my blog at all, that you have noticed a down-heartedness about me, of late. I have been in a really dark place. Again, self-destructive at its core. (By the way, I believe that even self-destructive and self-depricating attitudes are another form of pride . . . essentially, I believe that anything that is "self" focused, as opposed to God focused is pride. It's all about the focus.)
Anyway, like I was saying, I just started pouring my heart out to God. Telling Him how I hated the pride in my life. I just told Him that I needed humility - however it came, however painful it needed to be - I want nothing to do with pride. I am DONE with it! I want NO MORE of it!! To which God said, "What do you think I've been doing all summer?" And BAM!!! it all fell into focus. wow. . . .
God has been giving me some time with myself this summer. (And I really haven't enjoyed it that much . . . again, I wonder, how does He put up with me??) I basically felt like He shut me in a dark room with no one but myself. (I didn't even feel like He was there, though I KNOW He was.) By forcing me to spend some time in introspection, He was reminding me that there is NO GOOD THING in me. Anything good in my life - ANYTHING (even those things that don't generally get labelled "spiritual") is all of Him, and Him alone. I am nothing without Him. I truly am no one important, a part of nothing bigger than myself, having no adventure, no fun, no joy, no peace . . . . . I feel like God was reminding me of what life apart from Him is like. An apathetic drugery.
I am simply a pen. A useless instrument, in-an-of myself. A pen trying to submit myself to the perfect, passionate, capable hands of the One who is willing to use me, allowing His love to flow through me as ink on the blank parchment of life.
Last night I heard a message at a women's summer Bible study at my church that hit me right where I needed it. Debbie, the teacher, essentially said "Are you so focused on the kingdom that you've completely forgotten the King?" BINGO!! (I wanted to stand up and scream that at the top of my lungs, but I really wasn't sure how that would go over.) I have been so focused on the kingdom, and what I'm doing, what God is doing for me, me, me, that I have completely forgotten to just focus on God. Enjoy God. Be with Him, for no other reason than just to hang out. The simplest, most basic thing, and I had turned away from it. Forgotten it. I wish I could say it was the first time,but alas, that would be a lie. I can, however, pray it is the last (God willing).
So today I have been thinking about my attitudes toward God this summer, and my thoughts about myself. I have really felt . . . almost self-destructive, self-depricating - and that is not a healthy place to be. I can also recognize in my life an arrogance that I believe goes back to my theater training, and trying to act like I was the best so as to get the best part. I just hate it! I hate pride!! I hate arrogance!! Especially when I can recognize them in my own life.
Then it happened. God started to move, and we began to converse. I'm sure, if you have been following my blog at all, that you have noticed a down-heartedness about me, of late. I have been in a really dark place. Again, self-destructive at its core. (By the way, I believe that even self-destructive and self-depricating attitudes are another form of pride . . . essentially, I believe that anything that is "self" focused, as opposed to God focused is pride. It's all about the focus.)
Anyway, like I was saying, I just started pouring my heart out to God. Telling Him how I hated the pride in my life. I just told Him that I needed humility - however it came, however painful it needed to be - I want nothing to do with pride. I am DONE with it! I want NO MORE of it!! To which God said, "What do you think I've been doing all summer?" And BAM!!! it all fell into focus. wow. . . .
God has been giving me some time with myself this summer. (And I really haven't enjoyed it that much . . . again, I wonder, how does He put up with me??) I basically felt like He shut me in a dark room with no one but myself. (I didn't even feel like He was there, though I KNOW He was.) By forcing me to spend some time in introspection, He was reminding me that there is NO GOOD THING in me. Anything good in my life - ANYTHING (even those things that don't generally get labelled "spiritual") is all of Him, and Him alone. I am nothing without Him. I truly am no one important, a part of nothing bigger than myself, having no adventure, no fun, no joy, no peace . . . . . I feel like God was reminding me of what life apart from Him is like. An apathetic drugery.
I am simply a pen. A useless instrument, in-an-of myself. A pen trying to submit myself to the perfect, passionate, capable hands of the One who is willing to use me, allowing His love to flow through me as ink on the blank parchment of life.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
A Beautiful Rebuttal
This rebuttal (of-sorts) was sent to me by a dear friend . . . it was greatly encouraging for me, and I pray it will bless you also! Thank you, Kay, for the wonderful message I so greatly needed to hear.
Wow, it's been awhile, hasn't it??
I've really been wrestling with some stuff lately, and I'm not quite sure how to even verbalize it. At first glance, I'd like to call it depression, but I think that's just too simple . . . I think it goes deeper than that. I think I'm at this place where I want to know - I mean really know - that I am a part, an integral, important part of something bigger than me. Oh, I know it in my brain, but the reasoning side of me tells me it's all just ego, just smoke and mirrors. I'm just another common person wishing for an uncommon life. Is this true?? You bet we are just 'common folks' and thank God for that...because I Corin. 1:26-27 tells us that He chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; the weak to shame the strong...
I don't know for sure. I think God is up to something. Perhaps He bringeth me low to teach me yet another important principal of the Christian life. This happens a lot for me . . . . and generally He seems to be teaching me the same things over and over again. You'd think I would learn. UGH!!
II Corin. 12:10 clearly tells us you are so right in this evaluation....as 'for when I am weak, then I am strong' - how does that work? check it out in Hebrews 5:1-3 where He tells us ... Every high priest is selected from among men.....and that he is subject to weakness...that is why he offers sacrifices for his sins and those of the people. We may not be priests, but we are His disciples and we are told to 'offer our bodies as living sacrifices', in Romans 12:1. We are also told in James that indeed we will face trials of many kinds and that we are often tested in order to receive perseverance, so we may be mature and complete - in Him.
Which brings me to my next point - or struggle, if you will. Why is this all so darned difficult!!! I mean, it's simple - follow Christ, and all else falls into place.
I have a framed saying that reminds me that Christ said, in so many words, "I never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it."
But while that sounds so easy, in practice it proves to be a formidable . . . dare I say "foe"? That's truly what it feels like sometimes. A foe. Something working with all its might against me in every possible way, to bring me down and remind me in every way that I cannot possibly ever attain this Christian way of life.
Ephesians 6:12 tells us you are right again.....we have quite a formidable foe......the powers of this dark world and spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. However in II Chronicles 20:15 He tells us not to be afraid or discouraged for the battle is not yours, but God's.
(Another good lesson - boy, they just keep stacking up, don't they?) Foe, indeed. Yet, I have the ultimate Victor at my side; in fact, within me! So, why can't I seem to tap into this fathomless, bottomless power? What is wrong with me?
Nothing; nothing that is except for the human need to be in control....problem with that is that ....as we see in John 15:5....we can do nothing without being attached to Jesus.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?" I find myself screaming to the heavens. No reply. Actually, I'm pretty sure He's replying, I'm just not listening.
Isaiah 40:31 tells us that they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.....His strength is what makes us strong.....His yoke is light....His rewards unfathomable....so wait, sweet child of God, and He will supply all your needs and answer all your questions....in His time.
And so the lesson drags on, and I find myself longing ever-more for heaven. Oh, don't worry, there is no death wish here . . . . simply a woman truly finding the depth of emotion found in Paul's sentiment in Philippians 1:21 - "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Each day I live for Christ, praying that He will show up in some way and renew my passion, renew my strength, renew my purpose, renew my life.
Every Christian woman you know, if she is truly trying to be all she can be for God, experiences the same bouts of doubt, wonder, and distress that you are experiencing. Thankfully, we have a God who can do all things.
In His love, and praying for you, Kay
Wow, it's been awhile, hasn't it??
I've really been wrestling with some stuff lately, and I'm not quite sure how to even verbalize it. At first glance, I'd like to call it depression, but I think that's just too simple . . . I think it goes deeper than that. I think I'm at this place where I want to know - I mean really know - that I am a part, an integral, important part of something bigger than me. Oh, I know it in my brain, but the reasoning side of me tells me it's all just ego, just smoke and mirrors. I'm just another common person wishing for an uncommon life. Is this true?? You bet we are just 'common folks' and thank God for that...because I Corin. 1:26-27 tells us that He chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; the weak to shame the strong...
I don't know for sure. I think God is up to something. Perhaps He bringeth me low to teach me yet another important principal of the Christian life. This happens a lot for me . . . . and generally He seems to be teaching me the same things over and over again. You'd think I would learn. UGH!!
II Corin. 12:10 clearly tells us you are so right in this evaluation....as 'for when I am weak, then I am strong' - how does that work? check it out in Hebrews 5:1-3 where He tells us ... Every high priest is selected from among men.....and that he is subject to weakness...that is why he offers sacrifices for his sins and those of the people. We may not be priests, but we are His disciples and we are told to 'offer our bodies as living sacrifices', in Romans 12:1. We are also told in James that indeed we will face trials of many kinds and that we are often tested in order to receive perseverance, so we may be mature and complete - in Him.
Which brings me to my next point - or struggle, if you will. Why is this all so darned difficult!!! I mean, it's simple - follow Christ, and all else falls into place.
I have a framed saying that reminds me that Christ said, in so many words, "I never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it."
But while that sounds so easy, in practice it proves to be a formidable . . . dare I say "foe"? That's truly what it feels like sometimes. A foe. Something working with all its might against me in every possible way, to bring me down and remind me in every way that I cannot possibly ever attain this Christian way of life.
Ephesians 6:12 tells us you are right again.....we have quite a formidable foe......the powers of this dark world and spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. However in II Chronicles 20:15 He tells us not to be afraid or discouraged for the battle is not yours, but God's.
(Another good lesson - boy, they just keep stacking up, don't they?) Foe, indeed. Yet, I have the ultimate Victor at my side; in fact, within me! So, why can't I seem to tap into this fathomless, bottomless power? What is wrong with me?
Nothing; nothing that is except for the human need to be in control....problem with that is that ....as we see in John 15:5....we can do nothing without being attached to Jesus.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?" I find myself screaming to the heavens. No reply. Actually, I'm pretty sure He's replying, I'm just not listening.
Isaiah 40:31 tells us that they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.....His strength is what makes us strong.....His yoke is light....His rewards unfathomable....so wait, sweet child of God, and He will supply all your needs and answer all your questions....in His time.
And so the lesson drags on, and I find myself longing ever-more for heaven. Oh, don't worry, there is no death wish here . . . . simply a woman truly finding the depth of emotion found in Paul's sentiment in Philippians 1:21 - "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Each day I live for Christ, praying that He will show up in some way and renew my passion, renew my strength, renew my purpose, renew my life.
Every Christian woman you know, if she is truly trying to be all she can be for God, experiences the same bouts of doubt, wonder, and distress that you are experiencing. Thankfully, we have a God who can do all things.
In His love, and praying for you, Kay
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Quite the battle
Wow, it's been awhile, hasn't it??
I've really been wrestling with some stuff lately, and I'm not quite sure how to even verbalize it. At first glance, I'd like to call it depression, but I think that's just too simple . . . I think it goes deeper than that. I think I'm at this place where I want to know - I mean really know - that I am a part, an integral, important part of something bigger than me. Oh, I know it in my brain, but the reasoning side of me tells me it's all just ego, just smoke and mirrors. I'm just another common person wishing for an uncommon life. Is this true?? I don't know for sure. I think God is up to something. Perhaps He bringeth me low to teach me yet another important principal of the Christian life. This happens a lot for me . . . . and generally He seems to be teaching me the same things over and over again. You'd think I would learn. UGH!!
Which brings me to my next point - or struggle, if you will. Why is this all so darned difficult!!! I mean, it's simple - follow Christ, and all else falls into place. But while that sounds so easy, in practice it proves to be a formidable . . . dare I say "foe"? That's truely what it feels like sometimes. A foe. Something working with all its might against me in every possible way, to bring me down and remind me in every way that I cannot possibly ever attain this Christian way of life. (Another good lesson - boy, they just keep stacking up, don't they?) Foe, indeed. Yet, I have the ultimate Victor at my side; in fact, within me! So, why can't I seem to tap into this fathomless, bottomless power? What is wrong with me?
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?" I find myself screaming to the heavens. No reply. Actually, I'm pretty sure He's replying, I'm just not listening.
And so the lesson drags on, and I find myself longing ever-more for heaven. Oh, don't worry, there is no death wish here . . . . simply a woman truly finding the depth of emotion found in Paul's sentiment in Philippians 1:21 - "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Each day I live for Christ, praying that He will show up in some way and renew my passion, renew my strength, renew my purpose, renew my life.
I've really been wrestling with some stuff lately, and I'm not quite sure how to even verbalize it. At first glance, I'd like to call it depression, but I think that's just too simple . . . I think it goes deeper than that. I think I'm at this place where I want to know - I mean really know - that I am a part, an integral, important part of something bigger than me. Oh, I know it in my brain, but the reasoning side of me tells me it's all just ego, just smoke and mirrors. I'm just another common person wishing for an uncommon life. Is this true?? I don't know for sure. I think God is up to something. Perhaps He bringeth me low to teach me yet another important principal of the Christian life. This happens a lot for me . . . . and generally He seems to be teaching me the same things over and over again. You'd think I would learn. UGH!!
Which brings me to my next point - or struggle, if you will. Why is this all so darned difficult!!! I mean, it's simple - follow Christ, and all else falls into place. But while that sounds so easy, in practice it proves to be a formidable . . . dare I say "foe"? That's truely what it feels like sometimes. A foe. Something working with all its might against me in every possible way, to bring me down and remind me in every way that I cannot possibly ever attain this Christian way of life. (Another good lesson - boy, they just keep stacking up, don't they?) Foe, indeed. Yet, I have the ultimate Victor at my side; in fact, within me! So, why can't I seem to tap into this fathomless, bottomless power? What is wrong with me?
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?" I find myself screaming to the heavens. No reply. Actually, I'm pretty sure He's replying, I'm just not listening.
And so the lesson drags on, and I find myself longing ever-more for heaven. Oh, don't worry, there is no death wish here . . . . simply a woman truly finding the depth of emotion found in Paul's sentiment in Philippians 1:21 - "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Each day I live for Christ, praying that He will show up in some way and renew my passion, renew my strength, renew my purpose, renew my life.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Faith
The message at church today (I went to Boyd Avenue Baptist Church, here in Casper) was a good one! Quinn, the pastor, talked about Shadrach, Mishach, and Abednego and their tremendous, unshakable faith in God. He talked about how they had established their faith and grounded it in God WAY before the crisis hit.
Made me stop and think about myself . . . is my faith solid like that? Have I made up my mind, I mean REALLY made it up, that I will not go with the crowd, no matter how lucritive and influential, if it means turning my back on God? Have I placed my whole self in the God arena? I don't know. I'd like to think I have, but if that's all the further I can take it, then I have to wonder.
Today, however, I have made up my mind, and it's God or nothin' for this crazy chick! That's not all that easy to say, considering the people in my life who do not side with God, but it's the decision I have to make. A decision I gladly make in view of all He has done for me.
Will you join me??
Made me stop and think about myself . . . is my faith solid like that? Have I made up my mind, I mean REALLY made it up, that I will not go with the crowd, no matter how lucritive and influential, if it means turning my back on God? Have I placed my whole self in the God arena? I don't know. I'd like to think I have, but if that's all the further I can take it, then I have to wonder.
Today, however, I have made up my mind, and it's God or nothin' for this crazy chick! That's not all that easy to say, considering the people in my life who do not side with God, but it's the decision I have to make. A decision I gladly make in view of all He has done for me.
Will you join me??
Friday, June 22, 2007
Well, Here I Am . . .
in Wyoming!! I would LOVE to tell you all that the weather is cool and wonderful, but that would be a lie. It seems I brought the heat with me. UGH!!
The drive up was fun, though I think we hit every city (major and minor), and one road-side stop between Mesa and Albuquerque - nothing like traveling with sick kids!! We pushed hard and made it all the way to north Denver by 1:15 am . . . it was a long trip, and my little guy was not happy with me. It was another tangible (and very loud) reminder that I have been tasked with being the advocate for my kids. They trust me to take care of them . . . What a blessing to know that Jesus will NEVER let me down as my Advocate. He will ALWAYS do what is best for me, He is ALWAYS on my side. I wish I could say that I am the same with my kids. God forgive me.
Anyway, I am so happy to be here with my family, though I miss my hubby. I am definitely taking some time to just relax, do nothing, play computer games, eat Cheetos and drink Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi . . . Ahhh, the good life!! :)
I love this country. It is beautiful, wild, open, and free . . . I can most certainly see why this is called "God's Country" by so many. It is my prayer that He will meet me here, and delight me, surprise me, woo me, and draw me in. I'm sure He has something in store, planned for me during this time - let's just pray that I'm not so dense or oblivious that I completely miss it!
God bless you all!
The drive up was fun, though I think we hit every city (major and minor), and one road-side stop between Mesa and Albuquerque - nothing like traveling with sick kids!! We pushed hard and made it all the way to north Denver by 1:15 am . . . it was a long trip, and my little guy was not happy with me. It was another tangible (and very loud) reminder that I have been tasked with being the advocate for my kids. They trust me to take care of them . . . What a blessing to know that Jesus will NEVER let me down as my Advocate. He will ALWAYS do what is best for me, He is ALWAYS on my side. I wish I could say that I am the same with my kids. God forgive me.
Anyway, I am so happy to be here with my family, though I miss my hubby. I am definitely taking some time to just relax, do nothing, play computer games, eat Cheetos and drink Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi . . . Ahhh, the good life!! :)
I love this country. It is beautiful, wild, open, and free . . . I can most certainly see why this is called "God's Country" by so many. It is my prayer that He will meet me here, and delight me, surprise me, woo me, and draw me in. I'm sure He has something in store, planned for me during this time - let's just pray that I'm not so dense or oblivious that I completely miss it!
God bless you all!
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