Well, Here I Am . . .

in Wyoming!! I would LOVE to tell you all that the weather is cool and wonderful, but that would be a lie. It seems I brought the heat with me. UGH!!

The drive up was fun, though I think we hit every city (major and minor), and one road-side stop between Mesa and Albuquerque - nothing like traveling with sick kids!! We pushed hard and made it all the way to north Denver by 1:15 am . . . it was a long trip, and my little guy was not happy with me. It was another tangible (and very loud) reminder that I have been tasked with being the advocate for my kids. They trust me to take care of them . . . What a blessing to know that Jesus will NEVER let me down as my Advocate. He will ALWAYS do what is best for me, He is ALWAYS on my side. I wish I could say that I am the same with my kids. God forgive me.

Anyway, I am so happy to be here with my family, though I miss my hubby. I am definitely taking some time to just relax, do nothing, play computer games, eat Cheetos and drink Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi . . . Ahhh, the good life!! :)

I love this country. It is beautiful, wild, open, and free . . . I can most certainly see why this is called "God's Country" by so many. It is my prayer that He will meet me here, and delight me, surprise me, woo me, and draw me in. I'm sure He has something in store, planned for me during this time - let's just pray that I'm not so dense or oblivious that I completely miss it!

God bless you all!

Howdy, howdy, howdy

I wonder how many times in a day I ignore God.

I wonder how often I make Him cry.

I wonder if He ever just wants to slap me across the face. (Oh, He's done it before . . . sometimes that's exactly what I need)

I wonder what it will be like to finally hold His hand, see His face, and dance with Him.

I wonder if my life pleases Him right now.

I wonder how my life weaves into the tapestry of this world.

I wonder, and this a lot, why He keeps after me, pursuing me with all that He is, when I am so marginal in so many ways.

He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He's all I could ever want or need or desire.

He is my very definition - all that I am, all that I hope to be. Strip me of all else, but give me God, for He is my everything.

God is Faithful!

Well, I taught last night, and just as I knew He would be, God was faithful!! I marvel at His faithfulness, despite all the ways I fall short. 2 Timothy 2:11-13 says, "Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him. If we disown him, he will also disown us; if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself." Generally it's tit for tat, but not in faithfulness . . . not in anything that is the character of God - love, grace, mercy, faithfulness . . . despite our lack of reciprocation, God cannot deny Himself, and that means He remains those things toward us, even when we don't return the favor.

WOW!

I am almost in tears, as I consider all that God has done (and is doing) for me, and those I know. I marvel that He can "put up" with me when I'm in such a funky mood! Yet, as my dear friend reminded me yesterday, I cannot go by how I feel, I must go by what I know. And I know that God is faithful, that He will see my through, that He is near, and that He is love. I'm such a "feely" person, yet my feelings betray me constantly.

And so I put my head down, and plow on. I stay in the Word, I keep talking to God, and I trust that He is using this time in my life to prepare me for whatever is next. It is a time of pruning - it hurts, but the resulting growth will be so worth it!

Otherwise, I'm getting ready to go back home for a while - to Wyoming. Oh, how my heart longs for "home" - I am truly a Wyoming girl at heart! I pray that it will be a time of rest and rejuvenation. I pray that God will renew my heart with His wild passion, so that I can then pass the passion along to all those around me . . . for passion is caught, it cannot be taught.

And though I may not know your name, I am praying for you. That God would prove Himself true and faithful in your life - whether you feel Him, or not; whether you believe in Him or not. :) That actually reminds me of my favorite movie line ever. It's from "The Count of Monte Cristo," and when the main character, Edmond, is in prison with a priest, the priest tells him to live for God, that it is His to avenge. Edmond replies "I don't believe in God," to which the priest says, "It doesn't matter, He believes in you."

God believes in you, and He believes in me . . . . that is the greatest miracle!

How long?

Psalm 13:1-2
"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?"

Yep, that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling these days. I mean, words can't quite express the true depth and complexity of it all, but this comes pretty close. And all this while I'm preparing to teach this Wednesday. GASP! I know. Most people would probably say I need to bow out humbly, and allow someone who is "high" on God to step up and teach. Believe me, I've thought about it, and prayed about it. At which point I felt God say to me "No, Andrea, I want you to teach from exactly this place. These women need to know that they aren't the only ones who feel this way, that this is not a mark of being a bad Christian. They need to know that they will get through it and that it will be OK. I want you to teach from this place, a place of honesty, since honesty is what you'll be teaching on." Wow.

So, I journey on in my preparations, and God has proved faithful every step of the way, though the next step always seems hidden from view. So, I grasp His hand and keep-on. Here is the wonderful thing I am discovering in all of this (something most of you probably already know - I'm quite slow and dense) - our feelings betray us. I am so blessed to know God and His Word well enough to know that He is near, He is always near, nearer than my own breath, even when it doesn't feel like it. While I feel forgotten, I am far from it. In fact, I am on His mind and in His thoughts this very moment. He is right here with me, holding my hand, placing my every step to get me through this.

So, dear friend, pray for me as I limp along. Pray for me this Wednesday as I stand up and open my mouth on behalf of God. Pray that in and through my honesty the Spirit will pour out His mighty power on me and all those who listen, that God would be pleased and glorified through it all.

Confessions

Alright, so I'm going to "vomit" all over you, and spill my guts. :)

My discipline has gone completely out the window!! I suppose this is one of the symptoms I display when depressed. Though I am feeling better (not great, but better), it seems the lack of discipline is sticking with me.

I'm having trouble making time in the morning for God. I'm having trouble with my eating and my sleeping (while those may not seem like bad things, they are when I over-indulge, and that is my issue right now). Even my spending is starting to spin out-of-control! And I just feel hopeless, like there is nothing I can do to get back on track.

So, as you can see, I could really use your prayers right now. I know that God is in all of this, somehow, yet I can't seem to see Him. I want to desire Him and His Word above all, but right now I just want to eat, sleep, and shop. Sounds a bit like a baby, doesn't it? UGH! That's what I feel like I'm being right now.

On top of this, I am trying to prepare for a lesson I'm teaching on June 13 for our church's Summer Bible Study for women. I'm trying to get homework written for the lesson, and I'm trying to get going for the fall study I'm writing . . . it all just seems like too much, and I'm beginning to wonder if it will happen at all. So, I'm just having to completely trust God to work in and through all of this, somehow. I know God will do it. I know He will.

OK, sorry to completely rain on your parade today. Like you don't have enough of your own problems to think about, now I've dumped all of mine on you. The really silly thing is that my problems really aren't very problematic at all, in the whole scheme of things. When compared to what people in other countries face, my stuff seems so stupid. Yet, these problems are mine, and that makes them more difficult, miserable, and, well, mine. I feel like they are affecting my effectiveness for God, and I really HATE that!!

Well, I'd better let you go . . . I need to get my daughter ready for a birthday party and get on with my day. May you be blessed today in all that you do!

Love - Andrea

PS - Thanks for listening - I feel so much better! :)

Self-Esteem

My heart breaks for people (especially women) these days, as we try to live up to this standard that has somehow been put into our heads. We have these notions of who we should be, and how we should look. Even as Christians we have this concept of how we should behave, and feel, and look, and talk, and live life. We begin to evaluate ourselves and compare ourselves to this standard . . . only to discover that we fall far short.

I am convinced that we need to stop looking at ourselves, and comparing ourselves to this standard or even to each other, and instead begin to look to God. We need to ask Him how He views us, how He loves us, how He esteems us. As Christians, we will discover that He esteems us much higher than we think He does, much higher than we tend to esteem ourselves. You see, He sees us through Christ, and in Christ we are perfect, righteous, and good. He is much more excited and delighted about our victories, than He is disappointed in our defeats.

I believe that anything "self" is simply pride - even "self-esteem." It is a focus on ourselves, instead of a focus on God. If only we can begin to see ourselves through God's eyes, instead of our own or those of the culture around us. It will be through this focus that we will find the confidence we so desire, as the radiance of God, Himself, will shine through us, drawing those around us toward the God who loves them so deeply and so passionately.

Lindsay Lohan and Others

Many of you probably already know that I have a heart for artists, especially those caught up in the craziness we call "Hollywood." Here's the thing - artists are passionate, by nature, that is what makes them artists . . . being an artist, I know that we can get caught up in this passion high cycle. When life is good and things are zipping along, passion is high, and we are happy. But when life gets boring, begins to simply cycle around and around, we get bored and start looking for something else to spice things up. Enter all sorts of stupid substances and activities . . .

My heart breaks for Lindsay Lohan. I cannot imagine how people can live their entire lives in the limelight, up on a pedestal, expected to be the example, when they are human and have issues just like us. I have to say that it is only by the grace of God that I didn't get into drugs and all that when I was in college. The Lord knows it was there, and it was offered . . . somehow, He kept me clean in that respect.

Hollywood needs Jesus . . . I cannot imagine how amazing it would be if these men and women would get passionate about Jesus instead of . . . whatever their latest passion is. Passion misdirected is always bound to take us down a road of difficulty and dissatisfaction. The one's who really break my heart are those who claim to know Jesus, yet they are searching for passion like everyone else. Yet, I know there are those in Hollywood who offer a glimpse into a life lived completely surrendered to God. They reflect a God of passion to those around them . . . God, give them strength!

Oh how I want these artists to see that Jesus is the only One who can take our passion without abusing it, and actually increase it exponentially in a safe and wonderful way! He is my adventure, my comfort, my wild-and-crazy, my uncontrollable, my safe and secure, my everything I could ever need.

Let's pray for Hollywood, and pray for those who need the strength to reflect God's glory onto the passionate, but lost people around them.