So, I've been listening to a song by Paul Alan, "To Bring You Back," and I am disturbed and broken by the fact that it describes me perfectly . . . sans chorus.
"Are you thirsty, standing in the rain?
Not sure where you are or how you lost your way
Are you drowning
Some bar outside of town?
Searching for something given not found
A crowd of people totally alone
At the front door Worlds away from home . . .
Are you tired of chasing the wind?
Under water, do you aspire to breathe again?
Are you dying?
Is that the best that you can do?
Cause you can't find your place in a world that wasn't meant for you."
Yeah, that's me . . . well, all except for the "bar outside of town." I find that I am lost more and more each day. I keep waiting to see Him on the horizon, come to rescue me, and with each passing day I lost hope that will ever happen. I am trying everything to rekindle the love, rediscover the hope, build up the faith, and everything seems to have the complete opposite affect.
Ready for something ugly?? I have something to confess . . . I find that I am beginning to view God as some sadistic father or lover, trying to disguise abuse as "loving discipline" - something that will make us stronger and is for our "own good." I have found that the very things that should be endearing me to Him and drawing me closer to His heart, are in-fact, embittering me . . . . and it scares me. The more I search for God, the more I find He is absolutely nowhere to be found. I have never been more afraid of God in all my life . . . nor, I am afraid and ashamed to admit, have I ever loved Him so little . . .
I am afraid. I have begun to wonder if this is what it's like when God hardens a heart. Is that what's happening to me?? I don't want to!! I want to love Him, but for all I do and all I try my heart is getting harder and emptier with each beat. Perhaps I just continue to jack things up, and God is just letting me go with it. I am trying with ALL THAT I AM to cling to Him, but He is slipping away . . . I can't seem to connect with anyone anymore. I feel 100%, completely alone, and absolutely every way . . . .
My friend sent me the lyrics to another song that just solidified and completely describes my life, my heart, my soul . . .
"Can't See (Useless)" by Oingo Boingo
We were both cast forth from the same pale hand And we both moved freely in the shadowlands And we both were sculpted by the same cold wind And we both had armor that was made of tin
And I tried to find you, but it's useless And I tried to speak, but it was useless
And I felt so bad and I didn't know why
And it didn't get better as time went by I was there for you, but you turned away And I tried to find you, but you turned away
And I tried to find you, but it's useless And I tried to speak, but was useless And I tried to find you, but it's useless
And you're so close, but I can't see you And you're right there, but I can't see you And I feel so dumb and I didn't know what to do You were right there but I can't see you
And I realize that it's useless
And I want to fight, but it's useless
And I know you're there, but it's useless
And you're everywhere, but it's useless
And I tried to say it, but my tongue got tied
And I tried to say it, but I was numb inside
And I can't see you anymore
And my peace of mind has gone through the door
And I realize that it's useless
And I thought I was right, but it was useless And I know you're there, but it's useless And you're everywhere, but it's useless
And I can't see now in front of my nose
And I know you're there, and I know you're close And you're fading away - now you disappear And I try to focus, but I can't see clear
And I don't know why I feel this way
And I can't control myself anyway
And I don't know why I feel this way
And I can't control myself anyway
And I feel so bad, but it's useless
And I feel so bad, but it's useless
And I feel so bad, but it's useless
And I can't see... now in front of my face.
When, Oh Lord, will You come and rescue me?! I do my best to do Your will, all for fear that if I don't that will be it - I will have completely succeeded in completely destroying my life. I am being swallowed whole by the darkness that surrounds me, as it digests me slowly and completely . . . I am done, God. I am at the end. I am doing my best to cling to what You have taught me, but I feel my mind slipping and with it everything I have ever been sure about, everything I have ever known of You . . . oblivion is overcoming me, and I'm not sure I mind anymore.
If something doesn't change soon, I'm afraid I'm going to have to change the name of my blog to "Ramblings of Insanity."
Sorry to disturb you . . .
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Monday, October 06, 2008
Wordle
OK, so there is a site that my friend and fellow blogger showed me - it's called Wordle, and it makes a "word cloud" of a something you write, or paste into the box. It is SO COOL! Here are a couple I have done:
Song of Songs chapter 4
Robert Browning Poem
Beatitudes
Saturday, October 04, 2008
God's Beauty. . .
I am here in Vernon, AZ enjoying a weekend of solitude and silence (well, almost). Can I just say that it is amazing!!! God couldn't have planned a more perfect weekend for the two of us . . . I was trying to get some friends to come along, but it just didn't work out. Seems God wanted some alone time with me, and really I wanted some with Him too. The weather is PERFECT! It is cloudy and windy and cool . . . the view out the window is spectacular, and I am just soaking it all up.
In this quiet place, I have been thinking about God's beauty. How He has filled this earth with it. His poetry is written in the stars, if we have eyes to read it. His music fills the earth, if we have ears to hear it. His carpentry is all around us, if we have minds to recognize it. His dancing is played out among the trees and clouds, if have eyes to watch it (and feet to dance along). His canvas is stretched across the sky at sunset and sunrise, and we can see His brush strokes, if we just take the time to look. His pottery is all around, if have hearts to engage with it. His pottery, I think, is His favorite creation - you and I, we are His pottery. Most of it is chipped, if not completely broken, but that is where much of the beauty is seen. There is nothing more beautiful than a work of art, or a book, that is worn and used, and obviously enjoyed! It shows character. Scars show strength and the beauty that comes from those ashes is breathtaking.
God is the most amazing artist, isn't He? As much as we try, we cannot even come close!!
But here is the thing that has really touched me . . . we often hear and talk about how God has given us all of these beautiful things to enjoy. But, I'm not sure that's the case. Not that He doesn't want us to enjoy it, and finds delight when we do, but I do not think that is why He creates this beauty, this art. No. He creates for His own enjoyment. He writes and dances and sings and forms and paints for His own delight. For His own pleasure. The stars, the wind, the trees, the clouds, the sunsets, the oceans, the mountains, and each and every one of us gives Him immense pleasure. Think of all the places unseen and untouched by humans. Do you think they are blank? No! I bet they are the most beautiful places on earth or in the heavens. (The things we can see my telescope now . . . wow!! God has been enjoying those places since the beginning.)
As an artist I can understand this. I dance and sing and act because it fills me with joy, and gives me pleasure. I delight when others find pleasure in it, as well, but there are times, so many times, when I create for no one but myself. I dance in the living room, I sing in the car, and honestly I am always acting and being a bit crazy - you should see the conversations I have with myself - WHEW! All because it gives me joy (and keeps me sane). I hope that, perhaps, it gives God joy as well, to see His creation making something beautiful!
In this quiet place, I have been thinking about God's beauty. How He has filled this earth with it. His poetry is written in the stars, if we have eyes to read it. His music fills the earth, if we have ears to hear it. His carpentry is all around us, if we have minds to recognize it. His dancing is played out among the trees and clouds, if have eyes to watch it (and feet to dance along). His canvas is stretched across the sky at sunset and sunrise, and we can see His brush strokes, if we just take the time to look. His pottery is all around, if have hearts to engage with it. His pottery, I think, is His favorite creation - you and I, we are His pottery. Most of it is chipped, if not completely broken, but that is where much of the beauty is seen. There is nothing more beautiful than a work of art, or a book, that is worn and used, and obviously enjoyed! It shows character. Scars show strength and the beauty that comes from those ashes is breathtaking.
God is the most amazing artist, isn't He? As much as we try, we cannot even come close!!
But here is the thing that has really touched me . . . we often hear and talk about how God has given us all of these beautiful things to enjoy. But, I'm not sure that's the case. Not that He doesn't want us to enjoy it, and finds delight when we do, but I do not think that is why He creates this beauty, this art. No. He creates for His own enjoyment. He writes and dances and sings and forms and paints for His own delight. For His own pleasure. The stars, the wind, the trees, the clouds, the sunsets, the oceans, the mountains, and each and every one of us gives Him immense pleasure. Think of all the places unseen and untouched by humans. Do you think they are blank? No! I bet they are the most beautiful places on earth or in the heavens. (The things we can see my telescope now . . . wow!! God has been enjoying those places since the beginning.)
As an artist I can understand this. I dance and sing and act because it fills me with joy, and gives me pleasure. I delight when others find pleasure in it, as well, but there are times, so many times, when I create for no one but myself. I dance in the living room, I sing in the car, and honestly I am always acting and being a bit crazy - you should see the conversations I have with myself - WHEW! All because it gives me joy (and keeps me sane). I hope that, perhaps, it gives God joy as well, to see His creation making something beautiful!
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Darkness
OK, so it's time I get this out . . . I have been mulling it over, chewing on it, processing through and all that junk for far too long . . . I need to "talk it through" to really process it, I think.
So, I'm in this place, this darkness, that I cannot even describe. Nothing, NOTHING that was a comfort to me before does ANYTHING for me now . . . and I feel lost. Disjointed. Confused. Reading the Word is like chewing on leather, and prayer just seems to just dissipate like mist. Where does that leave me?? Whenever I have had trouble in the past, I simply clung to God and He got me through. So, what happens when He is nowhere to be found - or so it seems? I feel like I'm just stumbling around in the darkness, like I'm drowning in the abyss of life. And I have been fighting it - fighting it like CRAZY!!! When I look back in my journal, I discover that this darkness has been coming down on me for WELL over a year now . . . but I have fought and fought and fought.
Well, a few months ago, I tried a different tactic - I just gave up. I didn't have the energy to fight anymore, and it seemed like God was removing anything and everything that was any comfort to me at all. One-by-one, piece-by-piece, God was pealing back the layers, to leave me not only lost and alone, but also naked and raw. So I shook my fist at God and said (I couldn't even yell anymore - the passion was completely GONE), "Fine. You know where I am God. You know how You made me, how I tick, and You know how to talk to me . . . so, if you ever want, I'm here." And I walked away. I was done. Empty.
Yet . . . I was faced with a problem . . . I have tasted of the world and all it has to offer, and it holds no appeal to me. I still desire the things of God - to do things God's way. The fruits of the world are empty, shallow, bitter. I want nothing of them. Yet the fruits of God seemed to have been ripped away from me . . . and I am just stuck. Starving and alone. I continued going through the motions, because I didn't know what else to do. The world was of no comfort, and the Church and every discipline I've ever learned came up empty . . . .
Well, I've been reading "The Dark Night of the Soul," by Saint John of the Cross . . . WHEW! What a read!! I have discovered that, well, first of all, can I just say that church people, including me, LOVE to throw this term around a lot, but now that I know what it is I don't think I'll do that any more - the dark night is no trifling thing, it is not just a rough patch, a tough time - it is SO MUCH DEEPER, so much more complex than that . . . I can't even say that is where I am right now - that is how thick and rich and deep this concept is. But there are some things in the book that have hit me and hit me HARD. He talks about God stripping us of all things, and how we feel lost, etc . . . but here is the thing, John's response to all of this was completely and TOTALLY opposite of mine. (Figures!) In this darkness, John pursued God even more relentlessly, more passionately, loving Him more than He has even been loved. He wrote love poems to God, and refused to be ignored. He pursued and wooed God!!
Then, I go to a conference and hear a message about Mother Teresa's life. Now, I have read and studied her life, and knew most of the details, but hadn't thought upon them in a while . . . so, imagine my . . . hmmm, shall I say "shock"? when I was reminded that she suffered for the majority of her life (at least in the end) a feeling of separation from God. Her response?? Yep!! She pursued Him, and loved Him more than He had ever been loved . . . "OK, God, it's starting to sink in."
Then I start seeing it everywhere . . . the embrace of darkness. For example: a caterpillar must EMBRACE the darkness in order to become a butterfly. And so . . . I have chosen to embrace this darkness, to be THANKFUL for it. To worship God even when I can't feel or understand His response. I have chosen to woo Him, to pursue and desire Him, just as I desire to be wooed, pursued, desired and loved. Writing Him love letters and poems. Singing to Him love songs, and dancing for Him. To think about Him when I go to sleep, to wonder what He is doing or how He feels. To obsess over Him, just as I would a lover. Just as I desire to be obsessed over.
This is my choice. I do not know if I will emerge from this a butterfly. I don't even know if I'll emerge from this at all, but that doesn't change my choice to get to know every little detail about Him, and to pursue Him until I breathe my very last breath.
So, I'm in this place, this darkness, that I cannot even describe. Nothing, NOTHING that was a comfort to me before does ANYTHING for me now . . . and I feel lost. Disjointed. Confused. Reading the Word is like chewing on leather, and prayer just seems to just dissipate like mist. Where does that leave me?? Whenever I have had trouble in the past, I simply clung to God and He got me through. So, what happens when He is nowhere to be found - or so it seems? I feel like I'm just stumbling around in the darkness, like I'm drowning in the abyss of life. And I have been fighting it - fighting it like CRAZY!!! When I look back in my journal, I discover that this darkness has been coming down on me for WELL over a year now . . . but I have fought and fought and fought.
Well, a few months ago, I tried a different tactic - I just gave up. I didn't have the energy to fight anymore, and it seemed like God was removing anything and everything that was any comfort to me at all. One-by-one, piece-by-piece, God was pealing back the layers, to leave me not only lost and alone, but also naked and raw. So I shook my fist at God and said (I couldn't even yell anymore - the passion was completely GONE), "Fine. You know where I am God. You know how You made me, how I tick, and You know how to talk to me . . . so, if you ever want, I'm here." And I walked away. I was done. Empty.
Yet . . . I was faced with a problem . . . I have tasted of the world and all it has to offer, and it holds no appeal to me. I still desire the things of God - to do things God's way. The fruits of the world are empty, shallow, bitter. I want nothing of them. Yet the fruits of God seemed to have been ripped away from me . . . and I am just stuck. Starving and alone. I continued going through the motions, because I didn't know what else to do. The world was of no comfort, and the Church and every discipline I've ever learned came up empty . . . .
Well, I've been reading "The Dark Night of the Soul," by Saint John of the Cross . . . WHEW! What a read!! I have discovered that, well, first of all, can I just say that church people, including me, LOVE to throw this term around a lot, but now that I know what it is I don't think I'll do that any more - the dark night is no trifling thing, it is not just a rough patch, a tough time - it is SO MUCH DEEPER, so much more complex than that . . . I can't even say that is where I am right now - that is how thick and rich and deep this concept is. But there are some things in the book that have hit me and hit me HARD. He talks about God stripping us of all things, and how we feel lost, etc . . . but here is the thing, John's response to all of this was completely and TOTALLY opposite of mine. (Figures!) In this darkness, John pursued God even more relentlessly, more passionately, loving Him more than He has even been loved. He wrote love poems to God, and refused to be ignored. He pursued and wooed God!!
Then, I go to a conference and hear a message about Mother Teresa's life. Now, I have read and studied her life, and knew most of the details, but hadn't thought upon them in a while . . . so, imagine my . . . hmmm, shall I say "shock"? when I was reminded that she suffered for the majority of her life (at least in the end) a feeling of separation from God. Her response?? Yep!! She pursued Him, and loved Him more than He had ever been loved . . . "OK, God, it's starting to sink in."
Then I start seeing it everywhere . . . the embrace of darkness. For example: a caterpillar must EMBRACE the darkness in order to become a butterfly. And so . . . I have chosen to embrace this darkness, to be THANKFUL for it. To worship God even when I can't feel or understand His response. I have chosen to woo Him, to pursue and desire Him, just as I desire to be wooed, pursued, desired and loved. Writing Him love letters and poems. Singing to Him love songs, and dancing for Him. To think about Him when I go to sleep, to wonder what He is doing or how He feels. To obsess over Him, just as I would a lover. Just as I desire to be obsessed over.
This is my choice. I do not know if I will emerge from this a butterfly. I don't even know if I'll emerge from this at all, but that doesn't change my choice to get to know every little detail about Him, and to pursue Him until I breathe my very last breath.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Creating
In the midst of this darkness that seems to be consuming my soul, as I wait for the SonRise, I find myself longing for the arts . . . for music, dance, theater, for that which is creative, beautiful . . . I long to be in it more than anything else - to let the music consume me, to be wrapped in it and laid to rest. I think it might be keeping me alive, keeping me sane.
I admit that I used to think of the performing arts (in which I have spent a lot of time and energy), and really ALL art, as something less than necessary. The arts are not a NEED, or so I have always thought. But as I have struggled these last few months, finding my only solace in music and dance and art, I have discovered quite the contrary, and have been really thinking a lot about this.
I wonder, what does it mean to be creative?? Obviously, the word "create" is the base of the word, so it means to create . . . to breathe life into something. But I think it is so much MORE than that. I think the focus needs to be taken away from the artist and the art on placed onto the recipient. I believe that when we are creative, we breathe life into and through the piece, so that those who are watching, listening, engaging are receiving life and hope and faith through it. I believe that is what art has to offer us. Life. Hope. Faith. Love. A glimpse of the beauty of God. It IS a need. Food and drink for the soul, the mind, the heart.
Look at all the civilizations around the world - each one has it's song, dance, art. There is not a single people group that I have ever heard of that does not have some sort of artistic expression they embrace.
Art is a gift from God. I believe that God intended for art to be an instrument of His beauty, a declaration of His love and divine embrace.
I admit that I used to think of the performing arts (in which I have spent a lot of time and energy), and really ALL art, as something less than necessary. The arts are not a NEED, or so I have always thought. But as I have struggled these last few months, finding my only solace in music and dance and art, I have discovered quite the contrary, and have been really thinking a lot about this.
I wonder, what does it mean to be creative?? Obviously, the word "create" is the base of the word, so it means to create . . . to breathe life into something. But I think it is so much MORE than that. I think the focus needs to be taken away from the artist and the art on placed onto the recipient. I believe that when we are creative, we breathe life into and through the piece, so that those who are watching, listening, engaging are receiving life and hope and faith through it. I believe that is what art has to offer us. Life. Hope. Faith. Love. A glimpse of the beauty of God. It IS a need. Food and drink for the soul, the mind, the heart.
Look at all the civilizations around the world - each one has it's song, dance, art. There is not a single people group that I have ever heard of that does not have some sort of artistic expression they embrace.
Art is a gift from God. I believe that God intended for art to be an instrument of His beauty, a declaration of His love and divine embrace.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Waiting
Waiting is so hard to do . . . I really am a product of my generation - I want it, and I want it NOW! Yet, as you can see, I've been going through a bit of a spiritual dry-spell lately, and can't seem to "shake" it. I have tried EVERYTHING that has worked in the past, and yet I still feel so disconnected from God and His life-giving passion.
Yet, the other day, as I meditated on my situation, I felt like God finally spoke to me - the first time in MONTHS. And He just said "wait, Andrea." Wait. UGH!! Torture - seriously!! So, I went to my Bible and just looked up every verse that has the word "wait" in it's various forms, to have SOMETHING to do while I wait. :)
I found the typical stuff - "Be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." But what I found lifted my spirit, and gave me a glimmer of hope that this will come to an end. . . Psalm 27:13-14, reminds me that I will yet see God's goodness here on earth, if I just wait for Him. Psalm 40:1 reminds me that when I wait patiently, God will turn to me and hear my cry. Psalm 130:5-6 reminds me that I need to just wait for Him with my whole being, and put my hope in His Word. I need to wait and watch for Him more than a watchman waits for the first sign of dawn.
I think the greatest lesson came to me in Isaiah 30:15-18, where God reminds me that I will find my salvation in repentance and rest, I will find my strength in quietness and trusting God. But if I refuse, if I try to get out of this my way. If I try to find a way to speed things up and bring things about before God beings them about, I will simply find myself in a worse position, just as the Israelites did. Like being in the middle of endless quicksand, the more I struggle, the more I try to find my way out, the deeper I sink. But if I just relax, and wait for God to save me and pull me out, then I will find true salvation and a joy beyond all imagining! Indeed, "blessed are those who wait for Him!"
So, I wait. I don't know how long. And every moment feels like a lifetime. Every second more painful than the last. It seems almost impossible to rest and be quiet, to repent and trust God. But I must force myself to do just that, for only then will I truly be rescued. Only then will the outcome be more than I can dream of. Only then will I get to experience all that God has for.
So, maybe God doesn't help those who help themselves (that, by the way, is no where in the Bible). Perhaps, because He is a God that likes to shake things up, and turns things around, God likes to help those who can't help themselves, so they just wait for Him knowing that He will!!
Yet, the other day, as I meditated on my situation, I felt like God finally spoke to me - the first time in MONTHS. And He just said "wait, Andrea." Wait. UGH!! Torture - seriously!! So, I went to my Bible and just looked up every verse that has the word "wait" in it's various forms, to have SOMETHING to do while I wait. :)
I found the typical stuff - "Be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." But what I found lifted my spirit, and gave me a glimmer of hope that this will come to an end. . . Psalm 27:13-14, reminds me that I will yet see God's goodness here on earth, if I just wait for Him. Psalm 40:1 reminds me that when I wait patiently, God will turn to me and hear my cry. Psalm 130:5-6 reminds me that I need to just wait for Him with my whole being, and put my hope in His Word. I need to wait and watch for Him more than a watchman waits for the first sign of dawn.
I think the greatest lesson came to me in Isaiah 30:15-18, where God reminds me that I will find my salvation in repentance and rest, I will find my strength in quietness and trusting God. But if I refuse, if I try to get out of this my way. If I try to find a way to speed things up and bring things about before God beings them about, I will simply find myself in a worse position, just as the Israelites did. Like being in the middle of endless quicksand, the more I struggle, the more I try to find my way out, the deeper I sink. But if I just relax, and wait for God to save me and pull me out, then I will find true salvation and a joy beyond all imagining! Indeed, "blessed are those who wait for Him!"
So, I wait. I don't know how long. And every moment feels like a lifetime. Every second more painful than the last. It seems almost impossible to rest and be quiet, to repent and trust God. But I must force myself to do just that, for only then will I truly be rescued. Only then will the outcome be more than I can dream of. Only then will I get to experience all that God has for.
So, maybe God doesn't help those who help themselves (that, by the way, is no where in the Bible). Perhaps, because He is a God that likes to shake things up, and turns things around, God likes to help those who can't help themselves, so they just wait for Him knowing that He will!!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Krispy Kreme
Sorry I have been gone for so long . . . After I got back from Nepal, my laptop decided it wanted to quit on me, and then my whoel family has been sick off-and-on, for about 3 weeks now. Also, I've been working on my Nepal blog (when I feel OK, and have the time and energy), so you can check it out at www.AndreaInNepal.blogspot.com. Hopefully I'll get it finished up before too long, so you can get the whole story . . . it's long, I just want to warn you, but if you want to know what we did, that's probably the best way to get all the juicy details.
Well, I got to visit a long-lost love of mine this morning - sweet, sweet Krispy Kreme. Ah, those donuts just do not compare!! They simply melt in your mouth and go directly to your thighs - it's a beautiful thing!
I don't know why I shared that with you . . . perhaps it is because I am feeling distant from God these days. I can't tell you why. I see Him all around me - His beauty, His love - yet I just cannot seem to connect to Him. It feels as though I am in a bubble, completely secluded from Him and His sweet, sweet touch. I am desperate for His presence, His touch, His scent . . . all that He is, all that He offers. Desperate. But for all that I do, all that I pray, all that I read, I just can't seem to reach Him. I just can't seem to find Him.
When I talked to my friend about this today, she said "Must be something big on the horizon." I pray this is true. I am desperate for this to be true. It has become my hope to get me through this season, to think that the day will come when I will sink my teeth in God and His Word, taste His sweetness, and have His truth stick to my thighs!
Ah, my long-lost Lover, come to me, that I may know you!!
Well, I got to visit a long-lost love of mine this morning - sweet, sweet Krispy Kreme. Ah, those donuts just do not compare!! They simply melt in your mouth and go directly to your thighs - it's a beautiful thing!
I don't know why I shared that with you . . . perhaps it is because I am feeling distant from God these days. I can't tell you why. I see Him all around me - His beauty, His love - yet I just cannot seem to connect to Him. It feels as though I am in a bubble, completely secluded from Him and His sweet, sweet touch. I am desperate for His presence, His touch, His scent . . . all that He is, all that He offers. Desperate. But for all that I do, all that I pray, all that I read, I just can't seem to reach Him. I just can't seem to find Him.
When I talked to my friend about this today, she said "Must be something big on the horizon." I pray this is true. I am desperate for this to be true. It has become my hope to get me through this season, to think that the day will come when I will sink my teeth in God and His Word, taste His sweetness, and have His truth stick to my thighs!
Ah, my long-lost Lover, come to me, that I may know you!!
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