From the (clogged) Heart

I have no verse from which I write today, just my heart . . . and my stomach. I have messed up - made a bad choice - and now, as I wait for the axe to fall, it seems to be all I can think about. I can't wrap my mind around Scripture, or what I'm supposed to be preparing for this week's lesson in Bible study. My stomach is sick and I feel like I have something stuck in my throat. It doesn't help that I feel it's being blown out-of-proportion, though it may not be. I don't know - I'm probably a little too close to the situation to really know.

I accept all blame and culpability. It was my choice, done in the knowledge (though not consciously) that it wasn't the way things are supposed to work, and I take all the blame. So, why is it so hard to accept the consequences? I mean, if I know I screwed up, I know I made a bad choice, why is it so hard to then accept that there are repercussions of those bad choices? I find myself playing in my head any number of scenarios, and what I would say in each one. On the one-hand I want to lash-out, and show them that there are certain things outside of my control that lead me to this choice. However, it was still my choice to make and I chose wrong. On the other hand, I want desperately to do what Jesus wants me to do. I just know, from experience, that that path is almost always the more difficult.

As I think about this, and look over what I am writing, it occurs to me that I could very well be talking about some big, bad moral sin. HA-HA! If I told you the circumstances, which I do not feel at liberty to do just yet, you'd probably laugh and wonder why I'm freaking out so bad. I don't know. Perhaps that is why I am writing this . . . it is what is in my heart - a big log stuck in there, blocking all other reason and thought. It could also be James 5:16 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james%205:16;&version=31;) speaking here - getting this off my chest and hoping it will free me to focus on what I really need to be doing.

So, what do I do in the mean-time? I find myself asking God, "What do You have for me in this?" Surely, there is something here for me to learn, and to walk away with. More humility for one, and that's always a plus (as much as it hurts). But what else? I don't know, I suppose I have to wait and see. I just pray that I can walk through this with integrity, honesty, and with the light of Jesus shining forth.

I could sure use your prayers. And hopefully this will be over soon, and I can walk away looking a little more like my Man, Jesus.