Stepping Down...

I have been thinking a lot lately (I know, VERY uncommon for me :D) about Jesus . . .

What do you suppose it was like for Him to step down out of eternity into the finite? How do you think it felt for Him to give up the infinite for the fragile?? I marvel at the fact that He saw His whole life laid out before Him - every day planned, and seen far in advance, yet He still chose to come down to earth and be WITH us. He chose to be confined in a robe of flesh, and experience all that life has to offer - pain, fear, struggle, temtation, love, desire, joy, sorrow, lonliness - all of it!! I wonder what it must have been like for Him.

I also wonder if I would recognize Him . . . would I know Him as a child? Would I recognize my King? Would my heart beat a little faster? I wonder - do I know Him well enough that I would recognize Him walking down the street?? I desperately want to say "yes," but I'm not so sure . . .

Oh, that I would know Him - my Savior, my Lord, my King, my Father, my Friend, My Love - that I would KNOW Him intimately, and beautifully in every way!!

Merry Christmas to you and yours. May God meet you where you are, and fill you with His joy and peace!!

Love - Andrea

TOMS Shoes

Check it out . . . I finally know what I want for Christmas. :)

Sweet Whisper

I heard it . . . I finally heard it. About a week ago, I was driving along and I heard it - that still, soft whisper of love and tenderness that fills my heart and gets it beating wildly. It lasted only a moment, but the echo remained for a while and thrilled me more than I realized it ever could. I felt so loved! So full! So alive!

As I began to reflect on this (as I am FULLY aware that God is always with me, always near), I began to think about how I lived a good 3 years of my life with this voice in my heart and me head consistently. He was there guiding me, talking to me, laughing with me, crying with me, debating with me, teaching me, and just living life with me. As the voice began to fade, I found myself despondent (as most of you know from reading this blog). I understand now that I am in a different season . . . I am now in a winter season of pruning - that dreadful process of getting rid of anything that needs cutting out of my life. And being stubborn and quite slow to learn, this season is lasting quite a while. So, as you can imagine, the breeze of His voice, though brief, offered me a glimpse and a reminder of why I am enduring.

And it forced me to stop and think . . . I take it so for granted . . . I take HIM for granted, in almost every way. His presence, His voice, His guidance . . . His love. Because He was my constant companion for 3 years, it seemed like no big deal. I no longer thrilled at His voice and His touch. His attention. Yet, in this season of perceived emptiness, I find that I am starving for Him - even the slightest nod in my direction and feel faint with joy!

Why can't I be like that all the time? I should NEVER take Him for granted. I should never allow the fact that He is with me - the Creator God of the Universe, who is so far beyond me, so utterly different in every way - He is WITH ME, and that should blow my mind each and every minute of each and every day!! That should never become ho-hum, and I should NEVER cease to marvel at the fact that He chose me. When He could have chosen anyone else . . . so many others so much BETTER than me, so much better . . . yet He dug to the bottom, scraped me off the floor, and made me His own.

May we never cease to be amazed by His grace and mercy and love!

Passionately Pursuing God,
Andrea

PS - I also want to take a minute and say to each and every one of you who responded to my last post - THANK YOU!! Thank you for the encouragement, for the understanding, for the Scripture, and for the correction!! I am blessed beyond belief to have friends who will step up and tell my what I need to hear, even if I don't want to, who will encourage me with what God is teaching them, and who will stand by me when I seem to be more lost than found!! You guys are the BEST, and I love you!

Swallowed Whole

So, I've been listening to a song by Paul Alan, "To Bring You Back," and I am disturbed and broken by the fact that it describes me perfectly . . . sans chorus.

"Are you thirsty, standing in the rain?
Not sure where you are or how you lost your way
Are you drowning
Some bar outside of town?
Searching for something given not found
A crowd of people totally alone
At the front door Worlds away from home . . .
Are you tired of chasing the wind?
Under water, do you aspire to breathe again?
Are you dying?
Is that the best that you can do?
Cause you can't find your place in a world that wasn't meant for you."

Yeah, that's me . . . well, all except for the "bar outside of town." I find that I am lost more and more each day. I keep waiting to see Him on the horizon, come to rescue me, and with each passing day I lost hope that will ever happen. I am trying everything to rekindle the love, rediscover the hope, build up the faith, and everything seems to have the complete opposite affect.

Ready for something ugly?? I have something to confess . . . I find that I am beginning to view God as some sadistic father or lover, trying to disguise abuse as "loving discipline" - something that will make us stronger and is for our "own good." I have found that the very things that should be endearing me to Him and drawing me closer to His heart, are in-fact, embittering me . . . . and it scares me. The more I search for God, the more I find He is absolutely nowhere to be found. I have never been more afraid of God in all my life . . . nor, I am afraid and ashamed to admit, have I ever loved Him so little . . .

I am afraid. I have begun to wonder if this is what it's like when God hardens a heart. Is that what's happening to me?? I don't want to!! I want to love Him, but for all I do and all I try my heart is getting harder and emptier with each beat. Perhaps I just continue to jack things up, and God is just letting me go with it. I am trying with ALL THAT I AM to cling to Him, but He is slipping away . . . I can't seem to connect with anyone anymore. I feel 100%, completely alone, and absolutely every way . . . .

My friend sent me the lyrics to another song that just solidified and completely describes my life, my heart, my soul . . .

"Can't See (Useless)" by Oingo Boingo

We were both cast forth from the same pale hand And we both moved freely in the shadowlands And we both were sculpted by the same cold wind And we both had armor that was made of tin
And I tried to find you, but it's useless And I tried to speak, but it was useless
And I felt so bad and I didn't know why
And it didn't get better as time went by I was there for you, but you turned away And I tried to find you, but you turned away
And I tried to find you, but it's useless And I tried to speak, but was useless And I tried to find you, but it's useless
And you're so close, but I can't see you And you're right there, but I can't see you And I feel so dumb and I didn't know what to do You were right there but I can't see you
And I realize that it's useless
And I want to fight, but it's useless
And I know you're there, but it's useless
And you're everywhere, but it's useless
And I tried to say it, but my tongue got tied
And I tried to say it, but I was numb inside
And I can't see you anymore
And my peace of mind has gone through the door
And I realize that it's useless
And I thought I was right, but it was useless And I know you're there, but it's useless And you're everywhere, but it's useless
And I can't see now in front of my nose
And I know you're there, and I know you're close And you're fading away - now you disappear And I try to focus, but I can't see clear
And I don't know why I feel this way
And I can't control myself anyway
And I don't know why I feel this way
And I can't control myself anyway
And I feel so bad, but it's useless
And I feel so bad, but it's useless
And I feel so bad, but it's useless
And I can't see... now in front of my face.

When, Oh Lord, will You come and rescue me?! I do my best to do Your will, all for fear that if I don't that will be it - I will have completely succeeded in completely destroying my life. I am being swallowed whole by the darkness that surrounds me, as it digests me slowly and completely . . . I am done, God. I am at the end. I am doing my best to cling to what You have taught me, but I feel my mind slipping and with it everything I have ever been sure about, everything I have ever known of You . . . oblivion is overcoming me, and I'm not sure I mind anymore.

If something doesn't change soon, I'm afraid I'm going to have to change the name of my blog to "Ramblings of Insanity."

Sorry to disturb you . . .

Wordle

OK, so there is a site that my friend and fellow blogger showed me - it's called Wordle, and it makes a "word cloud" of a something you write, or paste into the box. It is SO COOL! Here are a couple I have done:

Song of Songs chapter 4

Robert Browning Poem

Beatitudes

God's Beauty. . .

I am here in Vernon, AZ enjoying a weekend of solitude and silence (well, almost). Can I just say that it is amazing!!! God couldn't have planned a more perfect weekend for the two of us . . . I was trying to get some friends to come along, but it just didn't work out. Seems God wanted some alone time with me, and really I wanted some with Him too. The weather is PERFECT! It is cloudy and windy and cool . . . the view out the window is spectacular, and I am just soaking it all up.

In this quiet place, I have been thinking about God's beauty. How He has filled this earth with it. His poetry is written in the stars, if we have eyes to read it. His music fills the earth, if we have ears to hear it. His carpentry is all around us, if we have minds to recognize it. His dancing is played out among the trees and clouds, if have eyes to watch it (and feet to dance along). His canvas is stretched across the sky at sunset and sunrise, and we can see His brush strokes, if we just take the time to look. His pottery is all around, if have hearts to engage with it. His pottery, I think, is His favorite creation - you and I, we are His pottery. Most of it is chipped, if not completely broken, but that is where much of the beauty is seen. There is nothing more beautiful than a work of art, or a book, that is worn and used, and obviously enjoyed! It shows character. Scars show strength and the beauty that comes from those ashes is breathtaking.

God is the most amazing artist, isn't He? As much as we try, we cannot even come close!!

But here is the thing that has really touched me . . . we often hear and talk about how God has given us all of these beautiful things to enjoy. But, I'm not sure that's the case. Not that He doesn't want us to enjoy it, and finds delight when we do, but I do not think that is why He creates this beauty, this art. No. He creates for His own enjoyment. He writes and dances and sings and forms and paints for His own delight. For His own pleasure. The stars, the wind, the trees, the clouds, the sunsets, the oceans, the mountains, and each and every one of us gives Him immense pleasure. Think of all the places unseen and untouched by humans. Do you think they are blank? No! I bet they are the most beautiful places on earth or in the heavens. (The things we can see my telescope now . . . wow!! God has been enjoying those places since the beginning.)

As an artist I can understand this. I dance and sing and act because it fills me with joy, and gives me pleasure. I delight when others find pleasure in it, as well, but there are times, so many times, when I create for no one but myself. I dance in the living room, I sing in the car, and honestly I am always acting and being a bit crazy - you should see the conversations I have with myself - WHEW! All because it gives me joy (and keeps me sane). I hope that, perhaps, it gives God joy as well, to see His creation making something beautiful!

Darkness

OK, so it's time I get this out . . . I have been mulling it over, chewing on it, processing through and all that junk for far too long . . . I need to "talk it through" to really process it, I think.

So, I'm in this place, this darkness, that I cannot even describe. Nothing, NOTHING that was a comfort to me before does ANYTHING for me now . . . and I feel lost. Disjointed. Confused. Reading the Word is like chewing on leather, and prayer just seems to just dissipate like mist. Where does that leave me?? Whenever I have had trouble in the past, I simply clung to God and He got me through. So, what happens when He is nowhere to be found - or so it seems? I feel like I'm just stumbling around in the darkness, like I'm drowning in the abyss of life. And I have been fighting it - fighting it like CRAZY!!! When I look back in my journal, I discover that this darkness has been coming down on me for WELL over a year now . . . but I have fought and fought and fought.

Well, a few months ago, I tried a different tactic - I just gave up. I didn't have the energy to fight anymore, and it seemed like God was removing anything and everything that was any comfort to me at all. One-by-one, piece-by-piece, God was pealing back the layers, to leave me not only lost and alone, but also naked and raw. So I shook my fist at God and said (I couldn't even yell anymore - the passion was completely GONE), "Fine. You know where I am God. You know how You made me, how I tick, and You know how to talk to me . . . so, if you ever want, I'm here." And I walked away. I was done. Empty.

Yet . . . I was faced with a problem . . . I have tasted of the world and all it has to offer, and it holds no appeal to me. I still desire the things of God - to do things God's way. The fruits of the world are empty, shallow, bitter. I want nothing of them. Yet the fruits of God seemed to have been ripped away from me . . . and I am just stuck. Starving and alone. I continued going through the motions, because I didn't know what else to do. The world was of no comfort, and the Church and every discipline I've ever learned came up empty . . . .

Well, I've been reading "The Dark Night of the Soul," by Saint John of the Cross . . . WHEW! What a read!! I have discovered that, well, first of all, can I just say that church people, including me, LOVE to throw this term around a lot, but now that I know what it is I don't think I'll do that any more - the dark night is no trifling thing, it is not just a rough patch, a tough time - it is SO MUCH DEEPER, so much more complex than that . . . I can't even say that is where I am right now - that is how thick and rich and deep this concept is. But there are some things in the book that have hit me and hit me HARD. He talks about God stripping us of all things, and how we feel lost, etc . . . but here is the thing, John's response to all of this was completely and TOTALLY opposite of mine. (Figures!) In this darkness, John pursued God even more relentlessly, more passionately, loving Him more than He has even been loved. He wrote love poems to God, and refused to be ignored. He pursued and wooed God!!

Then, I go to a conference and hear a message about Mother Teresa's life. Now, I have read and studied her life, and knew most of the details, but hadn't thought upon them in a while . . . so, imagine my . . . hmmm, shall I say "shock"? when I was reminded that she suffered for the majority of her life (at least in the end) a feeling of separation from God. Her response?? Yep!! She pursued Him, and loved Him more than He had ever been loved . . . "OK, God, it's starting to sink in."

Then I start seeing it everywhere . . . the embrace of darkness. For example: a caterpillar must EMBRACE the darkness in order to become a butterfly. And so . . . I have chosen to embrace this darkness, to be THANKFUL for it. To worship God even when I can't feel or understand His response. I have chosen to woo Him, to pursue and desire Him, just as I desire to be wooed, pursued, desired and loved. Writing Him love letters and poems. Singing to Him love songs, and dancing for Him. To think about Him when I go to sleep, to wonder what He is doing or how He feels. To obsess over Him, just as I would a lover. Just as I desire to be obsessed over.

This is my choice. I do not know if I will emerge from this a butterfly. I don't even know if I'll emerge from this at all, but that doesn't change my choice to get to know every little detail about Him, and to pursue Him until I breathe my very last breath.

Creating

In the midst of this darkness that seems to be consuming my soul, as I wait for the SonRise, I find myself longing for the arts . . . for music, dance, theater, for that which is creative, beautiful . . . I long to be in it more than anything else - to let the music consume me, to be wrapped in it and laid to rest. I think it might be keeping me alive, keeping me sane.

I admit that I used to think of the performing arts (in which I have spent a lot of time and energy), and really ALL art, as something less than necessary. The arts are not a NEED, or so I have always thought. But as I have struggled these last few months, finding my only solace in music and dance and art, I have discovered quite the contrary, and have been really thinking a lot about this.

I wonder, what does it mean to be creative?? Obviously, the word "create" is the base of the word, so it means to create . . . to breathe life into something. But I think it is so much MORE than that. I think the focus needs to be taken away from the artist and the art on placed onto the recipient. I believe that when we are creative, we breathe life into and through the piece, so that those who are watching, listening, engaging are receiving life and hope and faith through it. I believe that is what art has to offer us. Life. Hope. Faith. Love. A glimpse of the beauty of God. It IS a need. Food and drink for the soul, the mind, the heart.

Look at all the civilizations around the world - each one has it's song, dance, art. There is not a single people group that I have ever heard of that does not have some sort of artistic expression they embrace.

Art is a gift from God. I believe that God intended for art to be an instrument of His beauty, a declaration of His love and divine embrace.

Waiting

Waiting is so hard to do . . . I really am a product of my generation - I want it, and I want it NOW! Yet, as you can see, I've been going through a bit of a spiritual dry-spell lately, and can't seem to "shake" it. I have tried EVERYTHING that has worked in the past, and yet I still feel so disconnected from God and His life-giving passion.

Yet, the other day, as I meditated on my situation, I felt like God finally spoke to me - the first time in MONTHS. And He just said "wait, Andrea." Wait. UGH!! Torture - seriously!! So, I went to my Bible and just looked up every verse that has the word "wait" in it's various forms, to have SOMETHING to do while I wait. :)

I found the typical stuff - "Be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." But what I found lifted my spirit, and gave me a glimmer of hope that this will come to an end. . . Psalm 27:13-14, reminds me that I will yet see God's goodness here on earth, if I just wait for Him. Psalm 40:1 reminds me that when I wait patiently, God will turn to me and hear my cry. Psalm 130:5-6 reminds me that I need to just wait for Him with my whole being, and put my hope in His Word. I need to wait and watch for Him more than a watchman waits for the first sign of dawn.

I think the greatest lesson came to me in Isaiah 30:15-18, where God reminds me that I will find my salvation in repentance and rest, I will find my strength in quietness and trusting God. But if I refuse, if I try to get out of this my way. If I try to find a way to speed things up and bring things about before God beings them about, I will simply find myself in a worse position, just as the Israelites did. Like being in the middle of endless quicksand, the more I struggle, the more I try to find my way out, the deeper I sink. But if I just relax, and wait for God to save me and pull me out, then I will find true salvation and a joy beyond all imagining! Indeed, "blessed are those who wait for Him!"

So, I wait. I don't know how long. And every moment feels like a lifetime. Every second more painful than the last. It seems almost impossible to rest and be quiet, to repent and trust God. But I must force myself to do just that, for only then will I truly be rescued. Only then will the outcome be more than I can dream of. Only then will I get to experience all that God has for.

So, maybe God doesn't help those who help themselves (that, by the way, is no where in the Bible). Perhaps, because He is a God that likes to shake things up, and turns things around, God likes to help those who can't help themselves, so they just wait for Him knowing that He will!!

Krispy Kreme

Sorry I have been gone for so long . . . After I got back from Nepal, my laptop decided it wanted to quit on me, and then my whoel family has been sick off-and-on, for about 3 weeks now. Also, I've been working on my Nepal blog (when I feel OK, and have the time and energy), so you can check it out at www.AndreaInNepal.blogspot.com. Hopefully I'll get it finished up before too long, so you can get the whole story . . . it's long, I just want to warn you, but if you want to know what we did, that's probably the best way to get all the juicy details.

Well, I got to visit a long-lost love of mine this morning - sweet, sweet Krispy Kreme. Ah, those donuts just do not compare!! They simply melt in your mouth and go directly to your thighs - it's a beautiful thing!

I don't know why I shared that with you . . . perhaps it is because I am feeling distant from God these days. I can't tell you why. I see Him all around me - His beauty, His love - yet I just cannot seem to connect to Him. It feels as though I am in a bubble, completely secluded from Him and His sweet, sweet touch. I am desperate for His presence, His touch, His scent . . . all that He is, all that He offers. Desperate. But for all that I do, all that I pray, all that I read, I just can't seem to reach Him. I just can't seem to find Him.

When I talked to my friend about this today, she said "Must be something big on the horizon." I pray this is true. I am desperate for this to be true. It has become my hope to get me through this season, to think that the day will come when I will sink my teeth in God and His Word, taste His sweetness, and have His truth stick to my thighs!

Ah, my long-lost Lover, come to me, that I may know you!!

A Lot On My Mind

I'm getting ready to go to Nepal in about 8 hours . . . as you can imagine, I have a lot on my mind. I'm not even sure I'll get much sleep tonight, but that's OK, I'll have PLENTY of time to sleep on the flights! :)

I am so excited to go into this country and learn from the people, and see what God has planned for each of us. I look forward to His mighty work in and through me, and I am so aware that I am desperate for Him - I'm lost without Him!! And I find myself thinking a lot about what we'll be doing - helping the weak, the poor - orphans, women coming out of prostitution, sisters in Christ . . . I cannot wait to just serve my heart out and be humbled beyond explanation.

I also find myself thinking a lot about God, and what little I know and understand of Him. It is this feeling that I cannot comprehend Him - the more I discover, the more I realize I just don't understand. He is a mystery - a beautiful mystery!! And I know there is a lot of concern in the Christian world regarding "mysticism" in Christianity . . . yet, I have to wonder - can we truly be Christians, followers of Jesus Christ, God made flesh, fully God, fully man, without embracing the mysterious??

I mean, the trinity - one God, three persons - can you explain that? Jesus Christ living in me - isn't that mysterious?? Yet, it is true!! To embrace God is to embrace mystery. To embrace the fact that we can never FULLY know Him - at least here on this earth - we can never fully understand Him - we can never fully comprehend Him. And what a beautiful thing!! If we could understand Him, then wouldn't He be just like us?? Not God, but human . . . I want my God to be so far beyond my understanding that there are times when I just have to stand back in awe, and think "Wow!! God, I don't understand it, but it's beautiful, and it's all You!!!"

I have to say (and this is going to ruffle some feathers . . . . ) I'm a little tired of everyone in the Church expending so much energy pointing fingers at each other . . . can't you just hear the enemy LOVING this?? I'm tired of Christians saying that we have unconditional love . . . but is it really??? I mean, I have a nose piercing, and I like to dye my hair funky colors - would I be welcome in your church?? Would I be welcome to come and worship in my jeans and t-shirt?? What about wearing a hat?? See, we say we give out unconditional love, but I feel like it's more conditional - conditional upon people acting the way we think they should. Following those unspoken rules, and codes that have become expectations . . . . I don't think that you and I can fathom the fact that God LOVES the homosexual - even if they never change, He loves them desperately! He loves the molester, the murderer - He loves them all . . . now, I'm not saying that everyone goes to heaven - that's not biblical - but anyone CAN go, if they chose to walk away from their old life and follow Jesus . . . . but then, you and I expect IMMEDIATE change, don't we?? Yet, some of us have been Christians for YEARS, and even we have some pretty major issues!! I would argue that the person who struggles with their thoughts is just as bad as those living "sinful" lives . . . and how is it that we have decided what needs changing and what doesn't?? I mean, we just love to judge the homosexual, but what about that person who was divorced and remarried??? Their living in sin too, right?? Yet, we love to tell them, "Are you sorry?? Well, then, I'm sure God forgives you!" Now, God probably does forgive them - I can't speak to what God does and does not do - again, He is a mystery to me - but who are we to judge the one, unforgiving and definitely unloving, yet "unconditionally" love the other . . . . .

Can you tell that my mind is just reeling?? :) Lots going on in this brain, right now . . . hoping to find some rest, some encouragement in Nepal . . . maybe God can clarify some of this stuff for me. Or maybe you can!! Let me know what you think, but please be aware, I won't be able to reply back for about 2 weeks!!

All my love - no matter who you are, or what you've done! Andrea

Politics - UGH!!

I have to admit that the upcoming election is a source of great . . . ummm . . . apathy for me. Not because I don't care, necessarily, but because I just really don't know what to look at, who to vote for . . . I just don't like anyone in this whole mess!!

To be honest, I used to be a right-wing, loud-mouthed republican. Obnoxiously so!! Not that being a republican is bad, I was just ignorantly so. But God has been broadening my view, and I am so blessed for it! Yet, I can't claim to be a Democrat, either . . . I really don't think I can claim to be anything right now, except a follower of Jesus, which (I feel) puts me in a very difficult spot.

See, here's my struggle. Jesus really wasn't political. Now, before I get a whole bunch of nasty, irate emails, let me explain how I feel. You see, Jesus did not seek power. Not at all! Not even in the slightest! In fact, He sought to be a servant. He sought the opposite of power. He was influential, because He invested in people, in individuals, and that's something entirely different. Some of the most influential people are NOT politicians. I think Jesus proved that influence and change comes from the bottom, not the top, as politicians like to think it does.

Here's my other "gripe" with politics, right now. It is my belief that the government is supposed to reflect the people. Am I correct in this?? Which is why our system works, if we all vote. But that just goes to prove that we cannot legislate morality. It can't be done!! Oh we try - especially as Christians, but you cannot tell someone what to believe, or how to feel on any given subject. We cannot make people live "moral lives." So, in fact, change - true change, from a Christian perspective - cannot come from the top. We cannot vote it in. A simple "change in power" is not the answer!! Change, in this country and across the globe, must come from the change of individual people. Which means you and I need to get off our keesters, and get out there and SHOW people what a Christian does - love, love, love. People are drawn to love. They are! Try it and watch what happens. And through that love they will be drawn to Jesus, the ONLY One who can truly change a person.

If we want change in America and beyond, people, it's got to seep up from the bottom, from people like you and me reaching out to those around us . . . then those politicians will never know what hit them!!

Thanks for listening to my ramblings today . . . really had to get that off my chest!! :)

Community

You know, the answer to my loneliness is community . . . of course. God created us to be in contact with other people - people with whom we can talk and share and wonder and make stupid remarks and mistakes and be ourselves - honest, open, good, bad, and ugly - all that we are, not all that we think we should be. To share our thoughts, even if they are really stupid or way off the mark. Live together.

I ofter hear talk in the Church about the "Acts 2 Church," being the model for how we do Church now. It makes sense - it is the Biblical model set-forth by the Church founders as to how to be in community. How to live with one-another, encourage each other, etc.


Yet, I have to admit, the more I look at the model, and those Christians and the way they lived and loved, the more I am convinced that we are WAY off!! I look at other religions other cultures and they seem to get it . . . yet we think that by getting together once on the weekends for an hour and a half (and that's pushing - REALLY! "Why does our pastor think he has to talk so long?!? Doesn't he know we have THINGS TO DO?!?!" my goodness . . .) and then (and this is if we're REALLY serious!) another 2 hours once a week with our small group, and all of a sudden - TADA! - we're in community!!! Never mind we have to drive 30 minutes one-way, just to meet with these people . . . and we never really see them at any other time.

Is that really what the Acts 2 Church looked like?? I don't think so! They lived together, as in "with-in walking distant" - they met and ate together, they shared money (GASP!! Oh, here we go again - us Christians talking about money!), they shared time, thoughts, love, everything. This idea is so foreign to us, I believe, because we are such an individualistic society . . . and it's sad, really . . . individualistic and self-centered.

And yeah, I know, our culture looks different - we have cars, email, phones, etc . . . but have those things really aided our connectivity, or hindered it? It just gives us more excuses to not connect with our neighbors. Just because out culture looks different, I'm not so sure that gives us an excuse to re-define community.

I am getting ready to go to Nepal the end of March, and I am so excited to see how they live in comparison to us! One of the 10 poorest countries in the world, yet they are happy and generous and contented . . . WOW!! But, from what I have been learning, they understand community! The women do their laundry together, they cook together, and raise their kids together. It is rare that they would eat a meal with just their family, alone. People leave their doors open and share their time willingly. I can't wait to experience it! Yet, I have to admit, I almost dread it, because I'll have to come back home to the way we do things here . . . . I'm pretty sure this discontent will just get worse upon my return!

I'm not suggesting that I know the answer, how to change all this. I'm just suggesting that we begin to take a look at the "Biblical living" we think we're doing, and really hold it up to the standard of the Bible . . . I mean, let me ask you, isn't there a part of you that really longs to have this kind of friendship and community? Someone to whom you can run over and talk with, if you have an extra hour, instead of having to schedule the time a week out? I think everyone has this desire, and that is what drives us to the Internet, to email, to Facebook and Myspace - connectivity. Yet these things can only go so far . . .

This desire is in me . . . I long for it, and I believe it is a longing placed there by God. I would love to just live in the same neighborhood as a bunch of my friends and fellow Christ-followers, to meet weekly to just worship God in song, to share our thoughts on the Word we have been reading. To just be in community. To share meals. I want it to go beyond the church walls, beyond Bible study and small group. I don't know . . . I'm not even sure I can quite describe or explain what I long for . . . I suppose this means I will have to trust God to lead me and show me what to do with all this. :)

Lonliness

How can it be that I am lonley? Living in a mass of people, yet the lonliness still consumes my heart. How can I be surrounded by family and friends, by smiling faces and friendly conversation, yet still feel alone?? I have friends on MySpace and Facebook. I "talk" with people on email and the phone, but that lonliness is still there. I meet with people almost daily and find great joy in the fellowship I find, yet I walk away still lonely.

There are so many things I could blame it on, point to as the culprit, so many deep things in my heart. And really, isn't that the way it is? There are so many people who are lonely, for so many different reasons. Loneliness is no respector of persons. I love that even Christ felt what it is to be lonely. His entire life was lived with the acute awareness of His Father's presence. Yet, in order for God to complete the work He had been planning since before time, the Father had to leave the Son at the very moment of His greatest despair - the cross. The Father, placing the sin of the world on the shoulders of Jesus, had to turn His face, unable to even look upon the black that was my sin on His Son. Lonliness - utter lonliness - is what Christ must have felt. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" The greatest pain He had yet experienced - the absence of His Father.

Ultimately I need to trust that God will use this lonliness to mold and shape me; to prepare me for whatever He is bringing next; to work His plan in and through me, just as He did in Christ. I love this quote from Henri Nouwen:
"To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of loneliness and
to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude. This requires not only
courage but also a strong faith. As hard as it is to believe that the dry desolate desert can yield
endless varieties of flowers, it is equally hard to imagine that our loneliness is hiding unknown
beauty."

I feel God asking me "are you willing?" Am I willing to turn this lonliness into a place of solitude with God? Am I willing to keep going, even if I must go alone as long as I live? And am I willing to find the flowers in the midst of desert, the beauty in the midst of the pain?

I hear God's voice loud and clear in all of this, "Do you trust me?"

To which I must reply "But I will trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me." (Psalm 13:5-6)

What is Valued

"You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight."

Luke 16:15

This is Jesus talking to the Pharisees "who loved money." I love Jesus! Can I just say that?? I mean, I love how He seems to take everything and turn it upside down! He just comes in my nice and tidy life and messes things up!! And I love that about Him - He's rebellious, and being rebellious myself, I just LOVE it!!

Our pastor used this passage in his message a few weeks ago, and it has just been stirring my thoughts, and weighing on my heart. Of course, in context it is regarding money, but I believe this is true about everything we value! We value power, influence, success, money, individuality, freedom to ____________. These are the things that excite us, and make us work harder and step on more and more people to make it to the top!!

Yet, when we look at Scripture, we find that Jesus values humility, servant-hood, the weak and the poor, community, and freedom from ____________. He says the first shall be last, and the last shall be first; He tells us the least shall be greatest, and the greatest shall be least . . . now, you and I say we believe the Bible, so why do we still try to be first? To be greatest? I mean, if we truly believe the Bible, and believe it to be God's perfect truth, then shouldn't we all be fighting to be last? To be least? Yet we don't. I don't.

Oh God, help us to truly begin to value what You value! Give us a desire for humility, to be servants of all around us, to be with the weak and the poor, to live in community, and to be free from the chains and bondage of sin! We love you, and we want to live lives that reflect that love!!
In the mighty name of Jesus - Amen!

Risk

Would you say ours is a faith of risk? No?? I wonder why that is . . . could it be that we are not willing for it to be?? I mean, it seems to be a faith of risk in the Bible, so what has changed??

I wonder if we have our focus too much on ministry, rather than on God. We are so worried about growing our ministry, and making sure it's "healthy" (by whose standards, by the way?), and wanting to be the next new BIG thing with the greatest idea that will bring in the hoards, and how to we get more people involved, and blah, blah, blah . . . . I wonder, friends, have we missed the boat??? Or, perhaps, we have quite the opposite problem . . . we're not willing to step out of the boat.

I think of Peter walking on water - Jesus bid him "Come" and he did!! He didn't look around at the wind and the waves and the circumstances and tell Jesus, "Hey, you know, the wind is blowing really strong right now, and those waves are awefully big, not to mention the fact that it is pitch black out here!! You know, it just seems to me, by my human logic, that the time just isn't right for this, so let's wait until tomorrow, when the storm has calmed down, and it's light . . . that makes more sense, right?" NO!! He ignored "common sense" (by every stretch of the imagination!!) and stepped right out . . . he kept his eyes on Jesus, ignoring all circumstances, ignoring the probable shouts of opposition coming from his "friends" in the boat, ignoring even the nagging thoughts in his own head telling him he was NUTS, and he (GASP!) trusted Jesus!!!

I have to be honest here, and tell you all that I am tired of fancy-schmancy ministry ideas, plans, schemes, whatever . . . I just want to follow Jesus, and I want to hang out with other people that want to follow Jesus. I want to know that the people in authority over me spiritually in the Church are just following Jesus. We need to stop worrying about the breadth of our ministries!! We need only worry about the depth of our relationship with God, and trust that as the roots grow deep, our reach will grow ever higher and farther!!

We need to step out of the boat! We need to ignore circumstances - often times I think God likes to work in the most strained, most awkward, most impossible circumstances to show off all the more! We need to simply keep our eyes on Jesus, and trust that He will take care of the details and circumstances, whatever they may be.

I am ashamed to think of all the times He has said to me "Oh you of little faith! Why did you doubt?" Probably too many to count, too many to remember . . . not that I want to.

God is Faithful!!! (Once again. . .)

You'd think I'd know that by now, that I would trust Him and count on Him . . . instead I panic, freak-out, find myself all sweaty and crazy and then I begin to rant and rave. And then, God steps-in, faithfully doing what He has said He would do . . . granted, it was the 11th hour, but He did it . . . and because of when He did it and how (which, by the way, He did it in His perfect timing and way - as usual!) He gets ALL the glory.

We began Bible study this last week (the 17th) and I was all crazy because the study wasn't ready, and every time I'd sit down to write, it just wasn't there. So, finally, in complete desperation (which is probably where I need to be all the time anyway), I fell flat on my face Saturday night, and cried out "GOD!!! I need you!!! You want me to lead this study!!! You want us to learn how to Passionately Pursue You . . . but, I kinda need to get this done! I'm freaking out here!!!" Then, a quote I had written down in my notes for the study came to me (I think it's from AW Tozer - probably his book "The Pursuit of God" one of my FAVORITES!) "Our teachers have done all the seeking for us." WOW!!! Then God speaks gently (yet firmly) to me, "Andrea, you cannot passionately pursue me FOR them! They need to learn to do it for themselves!!"

And I began to realize that part of my irritation with all the books and Bible studies out there is the fact that the writer does all the seeking, digging, praying, learning, etc. for the reader . . . we are a generation of disciples who don't even know how to dig into and consume God's Word for ourselves. That's scary!!! Especially since it's not that hard. We don't need to go to a Bible college, or have a degree in theology - God has made His Word and His truth accessible to each and every one of us . . . we have so many tools and translations at our fingertips, and yet we consistently fail to use them . . . to even know HOW to use them. And I, as a teacher and writer, was adding to the problem.

From that point it flowed! Instead of adding my own thoughts and commentary, I am trying to discover how to guide the ladies into a study of God's Word in which they listen to God and what He is telling them. Because the fact is, your walk with God will not look like mine. Of course, there are many common factors, but I may have easily and quickly learned a lesson that you are struggling with. And something that may seem so obvious to you, may be so difficult for me to understand. Our relationship with God will be as unique as we are - and that's a BEAUTIFUL thing!!! So, I feel like my job as a teacher is not to tell you what I think it means, but to give you the tools to discover what God has for you to learn. Of course I still share my thoughts in my message, and my journey (ups, downs, goods, bads) with anyone who is willing to listen, but I don't want ANYONE to rely on what I think it means! I don't want ANYONE even following me (if you find yourself following me, let me warn you - YOU'RE FOLLOWING THE WRONG PERSON!!! We are to follow and pursue God alone!).

Isn't God glorious?? I praise Him for His faithfulness, His love, and the fact that constantly pulls me up out of the mud and shares His life with me!! Seek Him today, friend, and take some time to discover what He is just waiting to tell you!!!

Passionately Pursuing God

I am currently in the process of writing a Bible study entitled "Passionately Pursuing God: Living a Life of Solitary Purpose." Basically it's about how we need to simply pursue God in all that we do - work, play, leisure, etc. And when we do, we run head-on into all that God has planned for us. I think we have a tendency in this culture to run after our dreams and visions and ideas, and hope that God tags along . . . and I just don't think it works out nearly as well that way.

However, I have to tell you that I am in a really strange place in my life - I could really, really, REALLY use your prayers!! I feel . . . lost . . . that's just the best way to describe it. Just lost. I'm beginning to wonder if this is really what God had in mind for Christian living - looking and living like everyone else, for the most part, with a little of Jesus sprinkled on top. A perpetual calendar of work, Bible studies, books to read, church attended, and some service thrown in. All while we maintain our really nice houses, our top-notch cars, and our fashionable wardrobes (for which we have to work hard to stay in shape so we look good in those clothes). Hey, I'm not pointing fingers at anyone except myself here. And as I write yet another Bible study (all while being guilty of the above), I have to wonder if I am just adding to the MASS of (dare I say useless??) information out there - we spend so much time reading books and doing Bible studies, when, perhaps, we should just be reading the Bible and living the life! I don't know . . .

And honestly, what REALLY does it look like to passionately pursue God?? Am I really in a position to write anything relevant on the topic?? Am I TRULY pursuing God in ALL that I do?? Somehow I doubt it. I mean I do all the typical things (the things all the books say I should do) - pray, study, journal, fast, etc. etc. etc. But when I read the gospels, and really look at Jesus and the example He set for us, I find a man that - while relevant - lived a life completely different from those around Him. I feel like I take the parts of Scripture I like, the parts that work for me here in the life I'm living, and over-contextualize the other parts . . . for example: Jesus told a man that he had to be "born again" to enter the kingdom of heaven. True - I believe it and teach it. However, Jesus told another man that he had to give up everything he had to enter the kingdom of heaven . . . now, here I like to really evaluate the scene, and talk about how this man's stuff was his god . . . yet, I can truly say the same about most Americans I meet. Stuff is our god . . . yet, somehow, we skip over the whole "give up everything" (and He meant to LITERALLY give it all to the poor!!!) and make it mean that we really need to just put God at the top of our list above our stuff, and that will suffice. But will it? Now, I am not suggesting that we ditch context, as context is indeed important, I just think we like to OVERcontextualize to make it irrelevant (or perhaps just a little less relevant) to our own lives, and therefore easier to stomach. I tend to use context as an excuse, at times, to ignore the hard fact that Jesus has truly, literally, in every way called us to be different, to live differently, to not be of this world . . . . and I have to say that I do not think my life looks anything like that.

Honestly, I'm not sure what a life lived like that would really look like here-and-now . . . I wish I could say I did.

So, what does all that mean??? I don't know . . . I wish I did. I'm just in this tumultuous place of really questioning "Christianity," in general, as it seems to be right now (or at least how it seems to be in my eyes). It just feels so . . . stale, so unadventurous, so . . . un-Christlike. I could be wrong - I probably am (I think I'm wrong more times than not), but I can't help but wonder at all this information that we perpetually have to ciphon through . . . I have to tell you that I am SO TIRED of Christian books . . . yet here I am adding yet another pile of paper to the cycle of information that we wade through, yet never seem to really put into practice. And, again, by "we" I mean ME.

And, you know . . . it could be that it's just MY life that is stale and unadventurous and un-Christlike, and once-again, I am finding a way to blame someone else - "Christianity." Again, I think that I am the guiltiest of all, here.

I wonder if God ever just wants to scream at me from the heaven's and say "Stop reading about it, and START LIVING IT!! Start loving your neighbor - YES, your LITERAL neighbor!! Start taking care of the poor, the orphans, and the widows - yes, I really mean the poor people, the kids without parents, and the women who are left alone with no one to care for them!!!! Teach by setting an example, Andrea, not by putting mere words on a page - I already have a lot of those . . . . "

Hmmmm . . . . I don't know. I just don't know . . . I'm not sure this really helped. I think I'm more lost than ever, now. Sorry.